The Family Talk
by NeverForgetThisPen
Summary: Imagine Carlisle and Esme Cullen attempting to give their "children" a sex ed. lesson.
1. Sex, sex, sex!

_AN: I do not own any of these characters, Stephenie Meyer does. If you have read any parts of my other two stories, you know that they are mostly serious. I've never played around before, but I thought it might be time that Carlisle and Esme gave their children "The Talk" If anyone here is a big Twilight fan and likes role playing, visit Equinoxrpg .com (lose the space) I play Leah Clearwater and we're definitely looking for active members. Enough of my propaganda, (grins evilly) let's get to the story. _

_Carlisle's Point of View_

It had been a nice and quiet day off. The hospital had forced me to finally take one saying that my wife must be dying to have a day alone with me. Who could blame them? I hadn't taken a day off in the three years I had worked and they didn't know we spent every night together. So I spent all day in my office going over the Chinese language. I had not studied it in the last hundred years, so I figured I might as well brush up on it. Esme decided to give the kids a break while they were down in Port Angeles and do their laundry, so the morning had been rather quiet. I heard a soft knock on the office door, and instantly, I knew who it was, "Come in Esme, dear."

Esme walked into my office grinning, she was wearing the yellow sundress she knew I liked and placed a small peck upon his cheek before sitting in one of the large, leather chairs in front of my desk. "How did you know?"

"After living with this family after all of these years, I have your knocks memorized. You, my love, are the only one in this house patient enough to knock softly and calmly."

She stared at me with a smirk curving her pink lips upward, "then tell me, Carlisle, what of our lovely children? How do you tell them apart?"

I could tell she was teasing me, but it might be fun to play along in her little game. We rarely had time alone in the house, and if she wanted to have a laugh with me, I would tell her jokes all day.

"Well, when Emmett is at the door, his knocks usually rattle the entire room. You remember the eight doors we replaced last year don't you?" While speaking, my eyes wandered over to the door that was on the hinges at the moment. Doors on my office usually had a lifespan of three to four months, and this one had managed to be up for almost six now. Then again, Emmett had been banned from my office for the past four, after I had discovered Emmett using my laptop to look for a birthday present for Rosalie. The kind of present a father, even me, a father out of convenience, would never want to see his daughter in.

"Edward's knocks are always urgent sounding, because we both know when Edward wants to talk about something, it becomes a top priority. Alice, on the other hand, doesn't stop knocking once she's started until I answer the door myself. Then with Jasper, you can hear him resting his fist on the door over and over, while he is standing outside trying to decide whether or not I'm in the right mood to talk." I leaned far back into the chair I was sitting in and crossed my hands across my chest, letting a smug, little smile dance across my face.

"You forgot Rosalie, Carlisle," Esme said, wagging her finger at him warningly. God forbid _anyone _forgetting Rosalie.

"No, I didn't. You asked me to describe their knocks. We both know full well that Rosalie does not knock. If she wants my attention, she just walks in here. Our little beauty queen thinks she is the most important being in the world."

"Haven't you tried locking her out?"

"Of course I have, but then she goes and gets Emmett, surely you have not forgotten the fate of door number two?" I listened to Esme's musical laugh as she remembered exactly what had happened to door number two. One day, I had locked Rosalie out of my office, tired of her coming in every five to ten minutes complaining about how the part for her BMW hadn't arrived yet, so she went to get Emmett, instead of just breaking down the door herself, yelling something about ruining her nail polish. Emmett came barreling through it two minutes later, ran straight across the office without stopping, and that had been the end of window pane number one. It had taken forever to pick up all of the glass out of the yard.

I ran his fingers through my hair, then glanced down at my wrist watch, "So what has brought you to my office so early this morning? Usually, you don't travel in here until after noon."

Esme's eyes suddenly became serious. I quickly recognized this as a "Mother's look". I got it every time Mike Newton's mother brought him in with a runny nose and swore he had mono. I had a hard time believing that the boy could catch the "kissing disease", _for obvious reasons, _but she refused to trust me until the test came back negative. I think after diagnosing centuries of epidemics and diseases, I could spot something as simple as mono, but still the woman would rant on and on. She was as beastly as her son.

"Carlisle, I was picking up the laundry in Edward's room today, when I found… Well, I found something that- " I watched as she held up a small basket of items that looked as if they should belong in Emmett's not so secret stash. Inside, there was handcuffs with little furry things all over them, and a box of Blood Flavored Condoms "ribbed for extra pleasure" _Dear God, I didn't even know there was blood flavored condoms, what human in their right mind would want to use those?_ Then, I thought of a human, who would use anything to try to get my son to go to bed with her. After that, I couldn't even look at the rest of the items in the basket.

"Are you sure Esme? I mean -they look like they would belong to-"

"To Emmett, I know, but I can assure you, they were in Edwards room. It was under his bed,"

"Why were you looking under his bed?" I asked, knowing that Edward was a tidy person, who always kept his dirty clothes in his hamper. A sheepish smile found its way to my wife's guilty face, but it was quickly replaced by another serious look.

"Carlisle, I still think you ought to have a talk with Edward. Even with the… condoms… It isn't safe for Bella and him to well," I watched has her face bunched up. This was hard for her. Edward was her first son, and I know she had a special spot for him, "Bella and him need to be careful with what they're doing. His venom could… If she had any small cuts."

I stood, then walked slowly until I stood behind her and rested my hands on her shoulders, "Dear, I understand what you are saying, but we both know that Edward is the most responsible with his -er fluids, than our other children. Do you really think that a talk is necessary?"

I saw by the look on her face that she did think that a talk with Edward _was_ needed, and that was before she spoke. "Carlisle, if you don't think that the sexual life of our apparently very interested son is important because his girlfriend might potentially lose her life and forever live with the guilt of disappearing without telling her family why, which would cause us to have to move and start our lives over somewhere else with a newborn vampire on our hands, then no, having a simple talk with Edward isn't necessary."

I stared at my wife, in awe that one person could talk so fast and say so much, "Of course dear, I'll have a talk with Edward as soon as the kids come back from Port Angeles."

"Bella too."

"Bella too? Why do I need to talk to Bella? She has a mother and father of her own that could talk to her about that kind of thing," I said trying to save myself some sanity.

"Alright then Carlisle, you can talk to Bella, or you can explain to Charlie what we found in his _only _daughter's vampire boyfriend's bedroom, and why she can not have sex with him, take your pick."

My wife was serious. So I did the only thing a vampire who was centuries old, who was stronger and more intelligent than one hundred men could do. I caved in. "Okay, as soon as Edward _and Bella _get back from Port Angeles, I will have a talk with them. I promise."

"Good. I'll leave you alone to think about what you are going to say while I go defile Emmett's bedroom. Wish me luck!" Once again, her sing song voice was apparent and I realized that I had been conned by the best of them all. My beautiful, loving, conniving wife. So, I closed out my foreign language program, and clicked on the internet explorer icon. If I was going to have this talk with Edward, I was going to need to know what to say. I could add in the snippets about venom in between the facts. Google, here we go.

After millions of websites telling me to encourage open communication and to be approachable and willing to listen, I shut my laptop, and decided to rely on my medical text books.

A few hours later, I heard the gravel on our driveway crumble under the weight of Edward's Volvo and Emmett's Jeep. I slammed shut the books in front of me and began reciting the Chinese alphabet, backwards, in my head, otherwise, I knew I would hear the squealing tires of Edward's car heading back down the driveway. Standing, I headed out of my office and down the stairs, so that I could meet Edward and Bella at the doorway.

"Hey Carlisle! Have a good day of _studying_?" Alice's tone was a bit more cheerful than I would have likes, but of course, the minute Esme found the basket in Edward's room, she would have seen me talking to them. Hopefully she hadn't tipped them off.

Then I saw them, Edward's arm was wrapped around Bella, and she was smiling up at him like she always did. Or was he holding her a bit more tightly than usual? Was her smile bigger than it had been a few weeks ago? Was this talk too late?

"Edward? Bella? Can I talk to you?" Immediately Edward looked at me, and I knew he was trying to read my mind. A scowl appeared on his face when he couldn't see anything but old Chinese proverbs. I had to be quick about this he wouldn't put up with this for long.

"Oh -Of course Carlisle," Bella said, her face turning pink. _Poor girl is so eager to make our family happy, she had no idea what she just agreed to._

"What is this about Carlisle?" Edward asked me so quiet only a vampire's ears would be able to pick it up. He led Bella through the door, never taking his eyes off of me. Edward definitely new that something was going on.

"I would like to talk you two in the family room, if you don't mind." My voice was beginning to shake. _Come on Carlisle, be strong. It's something every parent has to do sooner or later I suppose. _

"Carlisle this is completely unnecessary!" My eyes jerked up to Edward, who was standing with his hand's on his hips. Bella looked shocked, but I followed her gaze over to the hallway, where Esme stood. Not only was she making me do this but she had just spilled the beans to Edward.

"Esme find's it necessary after what she found earlier-"

"That isn't my stuff! I have no idea how it got th- Emmett! I'm going to kill him!" Edward yelled his eyes getting wide. The next thing I knew Edward was running up the stairs yelling something about Rosalie's Christmas present. Bella was sitting on our catch looking as confused as ever. I looked over to my wife who was shaking her head back and forth at the commotion. Apparently she didn't think it was going well.

"Rosieee!" I turned, and saw Emmett bounding down the steps, waving a strip of "Blood Flavored Condoms" behind him like a streamer. A big goofy grin was splattered across his face as he waved them in Edward's face. "Rosieeee! Look what I found in Little-Ickle-Eddikins room!"

"This too!" The next thing I knew, Emmett grabbed his belt loop and using his strength, tore off the front of his jeans, letting the back half fall away. My jaw dropped. My "oldest" and bulkiest son was running around my living room, in a blue thong. Not only was it bad enough that he was in a thong, but the thong had a picture of Bella's face on the front of it. The next events happened so quickly, my head was spinning.

Emmett was sprinting circles around the living room in his newly acquired ensemble, with Bella's face turning more red with every lap after she saw who's face was on the front. Apparently someone else noticed to, because I heard a screech only able to be made from the voice of Rosalie.

"Emmett Cullen! What do you think you are wearing?!" At that point, Rosalie flew down the steps, wearing nothing but the birthday present Emmett had bought her. _So much for not wanting to see her in that…_ Of course, Alice followed. She had most likely seen this in a vision prior to coming home, which explained her good mood, but Alice was never one to miss a family gathering, especially one as eventful as this one. Like the good husband he was, Jasper bounded down the stairs after Alice, but I could already see him shaking his head. With Bella's embarrassment, Emmett's excitement, Edward and Rosalie's fury, Alice's joy, and my… well whatever it was, the poor kid didn't know who to calm down first.

"Everyone! Stop!" At the sound of Esme's voice, all of the activity in my living room came to a halt. Of course, Emmett being as big as he was, fell over, and Edward, who had been chasing him around the couch, fell on top of him. A flash lit the room, and I found Alice lowering a camera.

"Sorry…" she said with her little pixie like grin, "When is the next time we're going to have Emmett on the floor in a thong, with Edward on top of him, and Rosalie in the background wearing a skimpy grizzly bear costume?"

Edward pulled himself off of Emmett and glared over at Jasper, who pulled the camera out of Alice's hands, then sent a calming sensation over the room. Emmett also stood, which was probably worse than when he was laying down, because it looked as it the thong had been made to fit Edward, not Emmett.

"I am _not _having this talk with you Carlisle. It was Emmett who put that stuff in my room, you should know me better than that." _Trust me Edward. I do. This was all Esme's idea. I swear. _I must have sounded pathetic enough, because Edward nodded understanding my predicament.

"Fine then." All eyes snapped in Esme's direction as she began to speak. "Edward and Bella, you will still talk to Carlisle, but you have two new classmates. Apparently Emmett and Rosalie need this talk just as much, if not more than you do."

"Alice told me that you would be cleaning our rooms today! She told me to hide the stuff she thought it would be funny!" Emmett yelled at the top of his lungs, pointing his finger at Alice.

"Why you little Benedict Arnold!" Alice yelled. Then she swiped the camera back from Jasper, "This picture is going to be all over the year book this year! I can see it already…"

"It's not like my half naked body hasn't been in a yearbook before! Remember 1982 Alice? At Ridgemont High? I streaked across the football field on homecoming night because they wouldn't let me on the team!" Emmett laughed back at her.

"Then Alice and Jasper can join you all too!" Esme said. I sighed heavily. Now I was going to explain sex to two married couples, who probably knew more about it than I did.

"Umm… Excuse me, but what exactly are we having a talk about?" We all turned to Bella, who's face was still beet red, and looking around the room as if we had all gone mental in the last five minutes.

"We're talking about sex Bella! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex." Emmett had begun thrusting the air every time he said the word "sex". Like always, you could see the fear in Bella's eyes.

"Just take a seat. All of you." I was trying to regain my thoughts, and it would be easier with them all sitting, and without having to see Emmett… bouncing. "Emmett and Rosalie -get over to the couch now, and cover yourselves up -No not with the same blanket. Two blankets, on opposite ends of the couch. Alice, Jasper, take the loveseat. Edward, please take Bella over to the chair."

I looked down, the ribbon of condoms were laying at my feet. I could hear Emmett still chanting "Sex, sex, sex," across the room, and Rosalie must have calmed because she was now giggling at something I didn't want to know anything about. _If there is an afterlife for us after this, those two are definitely going straight to Hell. _

"Let's just get this over with Carlisle," I heard Edward say.

"I already know what's going to happen, can I go to the mall? I'll explain to Jasper on the way if you let him go with me!" Alice piped in.

"I know enough about sex Carlisle! If I have any questions about anything I'm sure Rosalie wouldn't mind showing me-"

"Enough!" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air, "You are going to sit hear and listen to what I have to tell you without another word. No more complaining _Edward. _No more trying to weasel your way out of it _Alice. _And No more of your comments _Emmett!_"

They were all looking at me like they were surprised I could be so loud or assertive with them, but at least they were quiet.

"Alright, so… As you _obviously _already know, I'm going to talk to you about sex, or most popularly known as sexual reproduction." I heard Emmett stifle a giggle when he heard the word reproduction, but I kept going. If I stopped, I don't think I could get them to settle down again. "Mammalian sexual reproduction is a union that results in increasing genetic diversity of the offspring. Fertilization involves the fusion of two gametes and the restoration of the original number of chromosomes."

"After several years, the sex organs in a young person develop further to maturity and the person becomes sexually mature. Most females are only fertile during certain periods and during those times, they are said to be "in heat". At this point, the female is ready to mate. Individual male and female mammals meet and carry out copulation."

"What the hell is copulation?" Emmett asked staring at me as if I had hit him with a brick.

"Sex you moron!" Rosalie said grinning.

"The male reproductive system contains two main divisions: the penis, and the testes, the latter of which is where sperm are produced. In humans, both of these organs are outside the abdominal cavity."

Apparently, the words penis and testes were trigger words for Emmett to start his 'sex, sex, sex' chant again, but after Rosalie swatted him, he hunched over, and started pouting, not enjoying being corrected by his wife. The one person who usually found his antics funny.

"The female reproductive system likewise contains two main divisions: the vagina and uterus, which act as the receptacle for the sperm, and the ovaries, which produce the female's ova. All of these parts are always internal. The vagina is attached to the uterus through the cervix, while the uterus is attached to the ovaries via the Fallopian tubes. At certain intervals, the ovaries release an ovum, which passes through the fallopian tube into the uterus." I looked around the room. It reminded me of the time I had decided to teach about the Ice Age at a University. My children were becoming bored with me.

"This is where we come to a problem with Bella and Edward."

"Now it gets interesting!" Emmett said, "But I don't see the problem… unless you're going to start talking about sexual frustration next. That's what Edward's problem is. I mean if he would let Bella put out like she wants to, he wouldn't be running around here trying to chase _me._"

"Emmett! Shut Up!" My head turned to Bella. Who was now so red in the face anyone who didn't know her like we did, would think she had spent all day under the sun.

"Thank you Bella. Now, you see, if you two were to… engage in copulation- even with a condom, there is a chance that Edward's venom could enter you that way, because we aren't sure if a condom is strong enough for a vampire." I tried to keep my composure, but I felt as embarrassed as Bella.

"So that means…what?" Bella asked, looking worried. I know that Edwards had promised that they would try, before he bit her, and apparently this was her way of asking if it was possible.

"So that means if Edward tries to poke you, even wearing a rubber, there's a good chance we're going to have a sister in law sooner than we thought!" Emmett said, answering for me.

"Emmett! Poke her? How unromantic!" Alice said from across the living room, "What he means Bella, is that if Edward tries to _make love _to you even with a condom on, we'll be sisters!"

"My Emmett is perfectly romantic!" Rosalie shouted over Alice.

"Which explains why you're wearing a skimpy little bear outfit?" Jasper piped in.

"It was a birthday present!" Emmett roared.

"We're finished with this!" Edward said gathering Bella in his arms. Before I could blink, they were gone, and I heard his bedroom door slamming shut.

Emmett and Rosalie took that as their cue to leave as well, rushing up the stairs to do whatever they had been doing before I had interrupted them, and Alice's Porsche was already headed down the driveway with Jasper in it. No doubt heading to the mall.

I sat down on the piano bench, rubbing my temples. Soon enough, I felt Esme's hands on my shoulders.

"That went… as expected." I said looking up at her.

"Don't worry dear, Sex Education 102 will start bright and early tomorrow morning."

_AN2: Alright everyone, let me know what you think. I know this chapter was long, but I couldn't find a good place to stop it until the place I did. ;) A big thanks to Beck, our Nox Bella Swan, for helping me with the idea of the "Blood Flavored" condoms. _


	2. Battle of the Wits and Dimwitted

_AN: I do not own any of these characters, Stephenie Meyer (the creator of sexually aggravated vampires) does. A big thank you to everyone who left me feedback! I didn't think the story would be so popular, just because I mainly wrote it for my Equinox buddies, but now, I definitely am writing to a larger crowd, and I couldn't be happier. ). Again, if any of you are big Twilight fans and enjoy role playing, check out EquinoxRPG .com (lose the space) because most of my character ideas come from them. Now let's get on with the show._

_Esme's POV_

"Don't worry dear, Sex Education 102 will start bright and early tomorrow morning." I grinned. I couldn't help it. After seeing the massacre my husband's sex talk had turned into, I had begun formulating my own plan.

"What do you mean 102? You can't believe that trying this again will help matters at all do you? I mean, I told them all about -all about -_IT!_" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Carlisle actually thought that his talk had helped them.

"Carlisle. My dear, wonderful, loving husband, I listened to your so called explanation. You recited that _word for word _from a medical journal written fifty years ago. I know that, because I specifically remember reading it. I also know that the journal from which you quoted, was written about chimpanzees that a few scientists had brought into captivity. Please do not tell me that you are referring to our children as wild animals!" I looked down at him sternly.

"Well…" I noticed the corners of his mouth beginning to curve upward, "Wouldn't you?"

"Carlisle Cullen!" I said, glancing up the stairs. I could hear music coming from Edward's room, and the unmistakable sound of Emmett and Rosalie's bed banging against their bedroom wall. I would have to make a stop at Home Depot for some drywall and plaster tomorrow. It was a bit pathetic, I was in there so often they all knew me by name, and just last week the manager had offered me a frequent shopper's card.

"I suppose you're right. They are animals."

"Emmet and Rosalie, our sexually active little grizzly bears."

"Like Rosalie would ever let anyone call her a grizzly bear, Carlisle, be realistic. She would have to be a… swan. You know, she looks pretty and elegant, but if you mess with her she attacks you like a bat out of hell!" I laughed at my own joke. Yes, a swan would describe Rosalie perfectly. She could have been a parakeet, I remembered seeing one in a pet store once. The bird loved looking at itself in a mirror and had coined the phrase "I'm a pretty bird", but I had always thought those birds were rather ugly, and our Rose was anything but.

"That would make Alice a what then?" I could tell my husband was making a game at this, obviously trying to shy me away from my plans for tomorrow, but we both knew I was smarter than that. Sure, I would carry on with this game of what animals our children would be, but I was not going to forget about my duty as a mother.

"Alice… will always be my little kangaroo. She hops and bounces everywhere, but she cares about her family and will fight for them. Next I expect you to ask about Jasper, but it should already be obvious what he would be. Jasper is a koala. He could never be a continent away from Alice for one, and for two, they look cute and cuddly, but they are fierce. Jasper will use emotions against you if he feels threatened."

"You act like you have thought about this before, Esme."

"I have, remember the day you were matching them up with which Care Bear you thought they would be? Well, I just carried on with it." My mind drifted back to the evening Carlisle and I had been flipping through the television channels and had found ourselves "awwing" at the cuteness of these little bears whose goal was to teach "life lessons." After ordering the entire series and having it shipped to the house using "next day" mail, he decided that each of our children had a specific Care Bear that they were most like.

"Well… I suppose it is about time we get Edward to take Bella home, we wouldn't want Chief Swan driving up to the house and finding these on the floor would we?" Carlisle had picked up the condoms from the floor and were holding them between his thumb and forefinger.

"Carlisle, you know that if we have Edward take her home they will not be back tomorrow morning!" I said crossing my arms across my chest.

"You aren't still thinking of having another talk with them are you Esme? Edward will never go along with it."

"The thing is, I don't have to get Edward to agree to it. All I have to do is get Bella to agree with me, and he will do whatever she asks him to do," I spoke sweetly, so that he would understand what was going through my head.

"Esme, my love, you are purely evil, but how, may I ask, do you plan on getting Charlie to let Bella spend the night?"

"Easy." I said smugly. Then I reached into Carlisle's shirt pocket and wrapped my fingers around his cell phone. I could tell he was confused, but after the call, he would understand everything. I scrolled down the list of phone numbers that Carlisle had collected through the years until I found the one I needed and pressed "SEND".

"Swan residence."

"Hello, Charlie, it's Esme," I was using my sweetest, most alluring voice with him, because to get him to let Bella stay with the boys home, I would need all of the luck I could get. Especially since I hadn't thought about what I would tell him yet…

"Hello, Esme, what can I help you with? Bella didn't hurt herself again did she?" Of course, he would think that. He knew his daughter all too well.

"No Charlie, Bella isn't hurt. She's just fine. Actually, I was calling for a different reason…"

"Oh -what is that Esme?" I could tell that since the worry had passed he was starting to get suspicious. _Damnit! I should have just waited until Alice got home. Charlie absolutely adores her, he wouldn't tell her no. _Then an idea hit me. I was going to use my own daughter to my advantage.

"Well, nobody knows yet…" _True. _"but Jasper is going to ask Alice to marry him tonight,"_ Even if I make him. _"and I'm sure Alice, you know how she is, will want to have a girl's night with Bella." I looked over at Carlisle, his jaw was practically on the floor.

"Oh! How exciting for Alice! I'm not sure if I like the idea of Bella being there while Edward is home, but I think I can make an exception this one time for Alice. I always knew those two would be together forever." _You have no idea how true that statement is._

"Oh thanks Charlie, and don't worry, Alice is at the mall right now, but I'm sure she'll have already picked up an outfit for Bella, she is our little make over artist."

"Yes, Bella's closet is full of things from Alice. Why, the other day I came home from work and found Alice in Bella's room with a garbage bag throwing away Bella's clothes. Bella wasn't even home! I have no idea how she even got in the house, but when I asked her what she was doing, she looked up at me, held up one of Bella's old sweaters and said 'Charlie I can't believe you haven't given her a ticket for wearing this out in public yet!' Then she looked me up and down and mumbled something about new uniforms."

"Oh, Charlie, I'm sorry…" I said muffling my laughter with my hand. "As a matter of fact, I did see some drawings Alice was doing the other day, you don't think the other officers will mind yellow do you?"

The other end of the phone went quiet. "Charlie? Charlie? That was a joke!" _Actually her drawings were all done in sky blue, but I would never tell him that._

"Oh thank goodness Esme! You had me worried there for a minute -Oh the pizza is here, thanks for the phone call, and tell Alice and Jasper congratulations!"

"No problem Charlie, thanks for letting her stay, bye!" With that, I shut the phone and dropped it into my stunned husbands pocket. Then, just for an extra touch, I pretended to brush invisible dust from my shoulder.

"So, how are you going to break the news to Jasper that he has to ask Alice to marry him?" Carlisle asked me, while nuzzling my neck.

"It's not Jasper I'm worried about. It's breaking the news to Rosalie that Alice will get to have a wedding before her!" So my little scheme was beginning to develop and things seemed to be working out the way I wanted them to. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. "Well, if Bella is staying I better go make something for her to eat. We wouldn't want her to think we starve our children."

"Well then, if you are going to follow through with this, I'm going to head down to the hospital and ask for a couple more days off. I want to see this." He grinned, then stood, and made his way out the door.

When I had just had the noodles in the water to boil, I heard the front door opening and went out to investigate. I saw Alice, and then what looked like Jasper's legs and hair behind a bunch of garment bags.

"Keep going…Stop!" Alice was trying to give Jasper directions through the door, because he obviously couldn't see what was happening.

"Alice!" I said looking at Jasper the luggage rack, feeling nothing but sympathy, for the poor guy. "What is all of this?"

"Well, Esme, I saw that you were going to tell Charlie that Jasper was going to propose to me and-"

"Alice can I put these down?" A Jasper-like mumble came out from behind the bags. I saw Alice roll her eyes, then take the bags from his arms and drape them across the couch.

"_As I was saying,_ the moment I saw what you told Charlie, I jumped into Jasper's arms and kissed him.."

"Then she yelled 'Yes! Yes! Of course I will!', I of course had no clue what she was talking about, until she saw the looks people were giving us and screamed 'I'm getting married!'" Jasper said, looking weary, "Of course, then everyone began applauding and asking to see her ring -which I didn't have, because I didn't know I was asking. -"

"Some woman actually hit him with her purse!" Alice said pointing, and laughing at Jasper's misfortune.

"So, then Alice, I, and about thirteen other women walked down to the jewelry store. Then I sat there for twenty minutes while the jeweler went on and on about different diamonds."

"The moron tried to sell me this two carat oval cut diamond for the same price as the four carat princess cut I wanted. I don't where he learned about precious stones, but _Emmett_ could probably tell me more about them than he did!" Alice sounded enraged. If there was one thing you didn't do in life, it was try to fool Alice when it came to diamonds.

"She had the guy crying -and the other women applauding her -again."

"So, did you find one?" I asked nervously, hoping she hadn't made too much of a scene, but I knew this was an empty wish, because from where she stood in her story so far, she had already brought enough attention to herself. that I was surprised mall security hadn't been called.

"Well, not at that store. The owner called mall security on me!" Alice shouted. _How did I know?_ "They asked me to leave the mall, but then I told them that if they wanted me to leave the mall without an engagement ring and my wedding dress they would have to get through Jasper first!"

"Alice, you didn't!"

"She did." Jasper said sitting down on the couch and looking up at me helplessly. "So of course they looked at me like they were expecting me to pull machine guns from my pocket. I managed to calm everyone down though, and promised we would never visit that store again."

"Look!" Alice held up her left hand to show me the ring she had chosen. It looked very much like the one he had bought her the last time they had been married, but this one had a white gold band, rather than yellow gold. "You, Rose, and Bella can go ice skating on it later!"

Jasper shook his head, stood, and walked upstairs, leaving his wife and the dresses behind. As I watched Alice scoop up her dresses and run upstairs yelling for Rosalie and Bella, I realized something. With my little white lie, so that Bella could spend the night, I had created a monster -no, I had created Bridezilla.

Awhile later, while, Bella was eating, and the others were sitting with her, listening to Alice ramble on about wedding plans, I took my chance to speak with Carlisle, who had come home shortly after Alice and Jasper.

"Carlisle, I've been thinking."

"What this time dear? Find anything else in Edward's room?" I playfully slapped him on the chest, before taking my seat in the usual chair.

"No, I was thinking, that it might be better if we talked to the children tonight and explained what I planned on doing tomorrow."

"Well, what exactly do you plan on telling them Esme? That you think they are too sexually active for their own good and that you would like to teach them the right and wrong ways to -erm, prove their love to each other?"

"Of course not! I just believe that if we could get them to agree to it tonight, it would be less to deal with tomorrow."

"Well who do you want to talk to first?" Carlisle asked, one of his eyebrows, perfectly arched.

"I was thinking of calling -" I was interrupted by a series of rapid knocks on the office door.

"Esme! We're here!" The little pixie had seen me asking her and had wasted no time in getting up here.

Carlisle walked over and opened the door, where an excited Alice and an annoyed Jasper stood. I could already feel his mood flooding over me, and instantly I felt irritated, "Alice! Just because you can see into the future doesn't mean you can just come barging in here interrupting me while I'm thinking!"

I saw her little eyes narrow as she pushed Jasper slightly.

"Sorry Esme," Jasper whispered, shrugging his shoulders. Immediately, my disposition softened, and I gave Alice an apologetic smile.

"So what's up?" Alice asked, though she knew perfectly well 'what was up'.

"As you may have noticed, Carlisle's little talk with you all didn't go as well as planned today, so I was thinking of having my own little sex education class to help you all. I know, you guys probably know all about it already, but… Alice, as I'm sure you can understand - There are certain things that a mother feels that she needs to do for her children and I didn't get a chance to do all of them, but this is one time that I can."

"Oh Esme, you know when you put it that way I can't refuse…" Alice said, pouting, "And if I'm going to do it, Jasper will. Won't you Jazzy-Wazzy?" She began pinching his cheek and talking to him in 'baby talk'. I had to hand it to the kid. He sure did put up with a lot from the woman he loved.

"Yeah, of course, you know I will. As long as you promise never to call me 'Jazzy-Wazzy' ever again."

Alice looked shocked, "But you didn't mind that I said it that one time when I was washing you up in the shower!" I slapped my hand to my forehead. Suddenly I knew why I had to replace the fiberglass on the shower door last week, and now I felt bad for making Emmett pay for it.

"This is exactly why I need to do this! Hopefully afterwards I won't have to spend my weekdays fixing holes in the walls, bushing scratches out of my wood floors, and _replacing shower doors…_"

Jasper quickly looked over to Alice, "You said you took care of that!"

"I did! I told her, Emmett did it -Oh, yeah sorry about that Esme…"

I shook my head, "For that, I am adding one new rule to this -"

Alice stood up, knocking the chair she had been sitting on over, "Emmett is not going to be happy about that!"

"What am I not going to be happy about?!" I heard Emmett yell from behind the door. Apparently I had an audience.

"She's going to say that we can't have sex until after the lessons!" Alice said grinning at the door. Seeing Alice smiling that way gave me a feeling something interesting was going to happen.

The next thing I knew Emmett came barreling through -and I mean _through_, the door, "_Damn_ right I'm not going to be happy about it!"

"Emmett the door wasn't even locked!" Carlisle yelled pointing at the unlocked handle of the door sitting at Emmett's feet, along with the rest of the door.

"But tonight it desert night!" Emmett said jumping up and down like a child that had just been told he couldn't have a toy.

Rosalie walked through the door holding a bottle of Hershey's syrup and a jar of maraschino in her hands, staring around at the destruction her husband had just created, "what is going on in here? There is no way I'm going along with this."

Just then Alice stood up and said, "Won't go along with it… or can't?"

She hit Emmett's weakness. Anyone who knew Emmett knew that he could not pass up a challenge. "I could give up sex if I wanted to!"

Alice grinned. She definitely had a plan under that little pastel pink sleeve of hers.

"Would you be willing to put a bet on that Emmett?" Emmett looked from Alice, to Jasper, to Rosalie, then back to Alice.

"What are we betting?"

Jasper jumped up at this, and Alice tried to dive across the room to cover his mouth, but Jasper was too quick, and apparently attempting to get back at her for her little stunt at the mall. "Alice's Porsche. We lose, you keep it!"

"Nooooooo!" Alice screamed from the floor, where she had landed.

"Fine, we lose and you get Rosalie's BMW."

"What the hell are you talking about Emmett!" Rosalie said smacking the back of Emmett's head.

"Ow! Rose… Jasper bet Alice's Porsche -I can't bet my Jeep, that makes no sense."

"It makes perfect sense, you idiot! You're making the bet!" Now Rosalie had her hands on her hips, she was ready to kill him.

"Fine! If we lose you get Rosalie's BMW _and _my Jeep!" Emmett said puffing his chest out wide. Then he took Jasper's hand and shook it, confirming the bet. Tapping his head, he leaned over to Rosalie, "That is how you win the battle of the wits."

"The battle of the dim-wits… If we loose, we're losing _both _cars Emmett, if they lose, we only get _one _car." Rosalie said, tapping his head a bit harder than he had been doing.

"But… wait…" Emmett stood, staring into midair as he thought. It reminded me of a deer caught in headlights. We all stood there, watching him, waiting for something to happen, when Bella and Edward walked into the room. Edward stared at Emmett for a minute then turned to the rest of us, "Why is Emmett picturing Rosalie sitting on top of Alice's Porsche in a bikini?"

Emmett's face twisted into a big, sappy, smile.

"…Because, Edward, Jasper just bet my Porsche." Edward looked around the room, confused at hearing Alice's voice with out seeing her, until her little arm waved around from behind the chair. Slowly she stood up.

"We're going to win though, because I can assure you, after betting my BMW and his Jeep, he won't have to worry about getting any, for quite awhile. So, he better enjoy what he's picturing now."

"Alright, everyone, alright… Why I have all of you in here, and since the other two couples have already agreed to it, I wanted to talk to you, Bella and Edward about why Bella is staying tonight."

"I thought it was because Alice wanted help planning her wedding?" Bella asked, oblivious to why Jasper and Emmett were making bets.

"No -it's because she wants to teach us about sex tomorrow." Edward sounded irritated. _Maybe if he gave in to Bella, and they did…_ What was I thinking?

"I just want to be able to teach you all something, is that too much to ask?" I covered my face with my hands, and sighed heavily. I know, it was a terrible trick to play, but I was desperate and I knew Bella would give in.

"Esme," Bella said. She sounded embarrassed. Good. An embarrassed Bella was an 'agreeing to have a sex talk with my future family members Bella'. "We'll do it… won't we Edward?"

"I guess…"

I removed my hand from my face and smiled, "Good then, class starts early tomorrow morning! Girls, head on over to Alice and Jasper's room, because that is where you will be staying until this lesson is over, and boys, off to Emmett and Rosalie's room."

"I am _not_ staying in that vile room! Who knows what is in there!" Edward said, pointing at the cherries in Rosalie's hand.

"Fine. You can all stay in Edward's room then."

"Yeah, because we all know nothing has been defiled in there," Emmett said smirking, "Or _deflowered._"

"Emmett!" Everyone yelled at once.

"Come on ladies, if I can't use this on Emmett tonight, we might as well get Bella some ice cream," Rosalie said ushering the girls out of the door.

"Yeah and I need to grab some stuff out of my room if I plan on making it through the night," Emmett yelled running out behind the girls.

"Jasper, come help me scotch guard my room -He's running off to get some pictures of Rosalie…" Edward said, his face showing he was disgusted.

After they were gone, I noticed Carlisle looking at me with a twinkle in his eye.

"That my dearest," I said smiling, "Is how you win the battle of the wits."

_AN2: Tell me how you all liked it :) i know it wasn't as funny as the first, but -I did have to get the story going, and don't worry, we haven't seen the last of the infamous "Bella Thong" XD Anyway, a big thanks to Beck/Bella and Dee/Rosalie for the ideas, and to Matt/Mike N. and Gwen/Rachel Black for Betta-ing. I love you guys. And remember my Noxians- if you leave a review, sign it with your character name. I'll have a poll up soon, so make sure you check that out. I want your opinions._


	3. Boob Jobs and Penis Monologues

-1_AN: I do not own these characters, unfortunately, but I do own the plotlines, so that's still sort of amazing right? Anyway, thanks again to everyone who left feedback, I have to admit, my readers are pretty much amazing. Special thanks to Leigh. She caught a mistake in chapter two that I completely looked over. As always, if you are a fan of Twilight and like to role play, check out EquinoxRPG .com. We're starting our baseball leagues soon and need some active players. /propaganda Sorry this chapter took so long, I was planning a Masquerade Ball for Equinox Staffers. _

_Bella's POV_

"Which do you like more? Chocolate, vanilla, or Phish Food?" Alice asked me, opening up the Cullen's freezer. Ever since I had started coming around they actually started buying food that normal humans would eat. Before I came along I could only imagine what their garbage man must have thought about them. I briefly remembered looking into their cupboards once to get some crackers to eat, immediately I thought health food freaks, until I remembered that they didn't eat one bite of it. Their fake food put Charlie's groceries to shame, especially due to the fact Charlie had the pizza place on speed dial.

"Vanilla -for sure," I said, getting a bowl and a spoon, then handing it to Alice.

"You _would_ go for the palest ice cream wouldn't you? That's alright, you like your ice cream like you like your men," Alice said grinning my way, "pale, cold, and delicious."

"Delicious?" Rosalie asked from the other side of the kitchen. "Since when do you find Edward delicious?"

Alice scowled at Rosalie, "_I_ don't think of him that way, Bella does. Don't you Bella?"

I always hated when Alice did that too me. I mean, never in all my life would I just go out of my way to call Edward delicious in front of anyone, especially his two sisters, but Alice always had a knack for putting the most awkward comments into everyday life for me. "Yeah… sure."

A bright smile replaced Alice's frown, as she scooped another two spoons of ice cream into the bowl. She had discarded the bowl I had given her and settled for a mixing bowl instead, which contained half of the carton of ice cream.

"Alice you haven't started eating food, have you?" I asked nervously.

"No, don't be silly Bella!"

"Well, there is no way I am going to be able to eat all of that!"

"Oh," she said staring down at the bowl, heaping with about two pounds of ice cream. "I guess it's been so long that I really don't remember how much humans eat… That could explain why I was getting so many odd looks from the lunch ladies last week." It was true. Alice had been adding so much food to her tray lately, rumors were going around that she might be pregnant. Of course, it had been Lauren Mallory who started the rumors, so nobody had given that much attention to it.

I smiled as she pulled out the strawberry syrup, and started squeezing it onto the mountain of frozen desert. "Ooh, it looks like blood." Alice snickered as it oozed down the side. I could feel my stomach beginning to churn. I looked away quickly.

"Oh Bella, you are going to be the most pathetic vampire ever," Alice said, grabbing the chocolate syrup from Rosalie and hurriedly covering the strawberry syrup up. She pushed the bowl into my arms and stuck the spoon on top. "Let's get upstairs."

Looking back to Rosalie who gave me a 'don't wait for me to invite you up' look, I decided just to follow Alice up, while lugging the ice cream, like one would a watermelon. When we were locked inside, I made my way to the couch in the center of her bedroom. I had only been in Alice and Jasper's room a handful of times, but it looked like it did on any other occasion. Like a high end boutique on the main street of Paris -but better. There were clothes in every color and size, rings and head scarves to go with any outfit.

"Here's the dresses Jasper and I picked for you," Alice said, tearing open the first bag, on top of a pile of four. It was a gold strapless number, that looked like it had been covered in topaz jewels. She held it up to Rosalie, it matched the color of her eyes perfectly.

"This is your's Bella." She opened the next box, and held up another dress the same color, except it was a halter top and a very, very low back. I noticed something wrong though.

"Alice! Where am I going to get the boobs for that?" I asked staring dumbfounded at her.

"Well… I was thinking about that, and there is this really good doctor in Los Angeles, and he has pictures on his website, and Bella, it might hurt for a little while but they turn out really nice!"

"I am not getting breast implants just to fit into that dress for your fake wedding!" I said realizing what she was saying.

"Well fine then, if you aren't willing to go under the knife so that my special day can be perfect, I guess we can have the dress tailored!" I stared at Alice. She was definitely the craziest person that I had ever met, but one look at her pouting face, I had to smile.

"Maybe we can just get one of those bras, you know, that lift and push?" Rosalie piped in. I looked over to find her staring over the top of a Victoria's Secret catalog. "I don't know where they find these girls at -look at the thunder thighs on this one."

Being around Rosalie was just enough to make anyone feel bad about themselves, but comments like that, about one of the most beautiful women in the world, made me feel suddenly very self conscious.

"And this…" Alice said, ignoring Rosalie, and holding up a small box, "Is for the wedding night." From the box, she pulled out this tiny, black, lace number that looked like it barely had enough cloth to be considered lingerie. She held up a pair of black high heels. "These too, wouldn't want to feel too underdressed."

My face must have been red because both Rosalie and Alice burst out in a fit of giggles. Alice shook her head, dropped the lace teddy back into the box, then sat down on the floor in front of me. Out of nowhere, a bottle of nail polish appeared in her hands, and she quickly removed my sock. Rosalie sighed, threw down the magazine, and came over to sit by me on the couch. I though it was a nice gesture at first, until I realized she was probably only sitting beside me, and not Alice, because she didn't want to be on the floor.

"So Bella, have you found anything you might want for your wedding night? Rose and I need some ideas about what to get you for your bachelorette party."

I looked from her to Rose again. I couldn't believe it, although I probably should have assumed that if Alice had a reason to throw party, she would do it -and probably go over the top while she was at it. "You're throwing me a bachelorette party?"

"Well, of course we are Bella!" I looked to Rosalie, who had completely surprised me with her little outburst. "Even though I am not exactly fond of the reason you are marrying Edward, doesn't mean that we aren't going to celebrate getting a new family member."

I looked over at Alice, who looked as confused as I did. I had never really been aware of the fact that Rosalie thought me becoming a member of the family was a good thing. Rosalie must have even surprised herself because she quickly changed the subject.

"So, Bella, _have _you thought about what you'll be wearing the night you and Edward are married?" she asked, looking at me. Her smile was frightening. I can't believe how I never noticed how intimidating she was. The smile itself was beyond perfection, but… it was the words behind the smile that made my blood curdle.

"Well, no…" I said, pulling my foot away from Alice, and bringing my knees up to my chest. Alice quickly grabbed my foot back, and went to work wiping away the line of polish that I had managed to get on my foot.

"Come on Bella, haven't you ever wondered what it would be like?" Rosalie said, smirking again. This time she turned her body so that she was facing me.

"Of course she has."

"Alice! Will you please let me answer for myself!"

"Well you weren't going to say it!"

"Yes I was" I was lying.

"No you weren't! I know you weren't trust me, I've already seen this conversation."

"See Bella? She does this all of the time. Like last week. She saw that we were going to get into an argument about driving to school, so she hid the engine to my BMW!" Rosalie said glaring at Alice.

Alice was grinning, "I gave it back when we got home! I wanted to drive! The guys already got to see what you drive, why don't I get to show off too?"

"So much for being unpretentious…" I whispered. Of course, hearing my voice perfectly, the two turned back to me. _Me and my big mouth…_

"How far have you and Edward gone, Bella?"

I nearly choked on the big bite of ice cream that I had just tried to swallow, when Alice's prying little question popped out of her nosey little mouth. I couldn't stop coughing, so I leaned forward and tried to catch my breath. The large bowl of ice cream fell from my lap, chocolate and strawberry syrup splattered across Alice's cream colored rug.

"BELLA!" Alice shrieked! Silly, choking, me thought she was worried about me, until she ran to the closet and dragged out a towel and a miniature carpet steamer, "I just bought this rug when we went to Asia last year! Do you know how hard it's going to be getting this stain out-"

"Alice -she's choking!" Rosalie yelled, patting my back. Each thump of her palm felt like a canon being shot into my back.

"Well tell her to stop and just take a look at what she's done! It's ruined!"

Finally, the ice cream melted, and I could breath again. First, I grabbed Rosalie's hand before she could give me another bruise on my back, then, I grabbed the towel from Alice and attempted to clean up the mess I had created.

"Just get out of the way and answer my question while I steam clean this baby," Alice said throwing the towel into the hamper and turning on the steamer. "You didn't think nearly dying would get you out of that did you?" I was ready to die of embarrassment -my face was burning up.

"Aw, Edward is right. I'm going to miss when your face turns all red like that. You look like a little pimple!" Alice said, holding her thumb and forefinger into the air. I could see she was trying to position her hands so that it would look like she could "pop" me from where she was standing.

"Come on Bella…" Rosalie said nudging me with her foot. Apparently the youngest Cullen sister was not the only one interested in my love life -or lack there of.

"We kiss, that's all," I admitted. The two looked suddenly bored with my story, for which I was grateful.

"Once she even tried taking her shirt off and Edward told her to stop trying to take off her clothes!" Alice said, then clapped her hand over her mouth, like a five year old who had just told the secret of a lifetime.

"What!" Rosalie yelled.

"Alice, stop spying on Edward and I!"

"I wasn't spying I swear!" The little devil was trying to get on my good side, "It's not my fault Bella, I wasn't even concentrating on you. Jasper and I were actually in the middle of… something, but when you decided to try to take your shirt off, I saw it happen. Jasper couldn't understand what was so funny."

I burst into a small giggle. I had to admit, hearing about Alice laughing at me during her and Jasper's _alone time_, and Jasper going crazy because he couldn't figure out why, was somewhat hilarious. My laughs were contagious, because soon, the room was filled with sniggers from all of us.

Suddenly, I felt a wave of drowsiness hit me, and I knew this girl's night wasn't going to last much longer. A yawn escaped through my lips, and Alice looked at me knowingly. Slowly her bottom lip began sliding out, until she reminded me of one of those basset hounds I saw on a cartoon show. I grabbed a pillow from the couch, and rested my head on it, "Alice, don't do that, what will you do if a bird poops on it?"

Not exactly being sure where that came from in my exhausted brain, except that I remembered Renee telling me that when I was little. Before I knew it, I felt Alice picking me up and setting me gently on another one of her couches.

_Edwards POV_

"But that's gender discrimination!" Emmett yelled holding up a magazine he had brought into my room. I had let him bring that instead of the pictures of Rosalie. At least with the magazines, they were human girls, and therefore less likely to get Emmett started. Unfortunately for Jasper, who was on the other side of the room going through my C.D. collection, and I, Emmett found something else in the magazines to talk about.

"What is gender discrimination?" I asked, looking away from the book I was rereading for about the seventeenth time. Sometimes, Emmett turned out to be far more amusing than Mac Beth and his crazy wife.

"Well, look," Emmett declared, holding up his magazine so the woman in the centerfold was in clear view, "these women get to wear skimpy little thongs all of the time!"

"What's the point?" I looked over to find Jasper staring at Emmett with a confused look on his face. I had been doing my best to ignore Emmett's thoughts since he entered my room, and so far I was doing a great job of not getting any of his thoughts, or as I would like to refer to them as "The Penis Monologues" in my head.

"I come out in a thong _one time_, and the next thing I know I wind up in Esme's little Sex Ed class. I just isn't fair!"

"Emmett, the thong you came out in had a picture of _my_ girlfriend's face on the front, and it didn't exactly fit you," I said. All day I had been trying to rid the image of Emmett in a thong out of my head. Too bad I had a photographic memory, and the "division sign" in Emmett's thong was burned into my head. Imagine. The division sign, blatantly showing in spandex cloth. Dot. Line. Dot. Ew. I felt myself shudder.

"And it's your fault we have to have that sex talk anyway Emmett-"

"Alice started it!" Emmett said, throwing his magazine on the floor and pointing at Jasper.

"Well, it doesn't matter, because now we _all _have to do the sex talk, and now Bella thinks you're a pervert."

"Bella already knew I was a pervert," Emmett stated very "as matter of fact"-like.

Sighing, I pressed my fingers to the bridge of my nose, as I always did when I felt like I was ready to beat my slightly larger brother over the head with a metal baseball bat.

"Edward? What kind of music is this?" Jasper was holding up a C.D. that I barely remembered I had. It had been a present from Alice, of all people, for Valentine's day last year. She never failed to buy gifts on any holiday that would permit it. That specific compact disc was by a band that called themselves "Leah's Onions," I had never heard of them before, but apparently, Alice had found the name hilarious, especially with the photo on the cover being a bunch of grungy, geeky, looking kids.

"I don't know? Alice found it. The story on the back tells about how they all met online because they started this website about some fantasy book." I watched as Jasper rolled his eyes and placed it back onto the shelf.

My eyes wandered back to Emmett, who had been quiet for more than two minutes. That had me worried. When I looked at him I saw him doing something terribly odd with his fingers. It looked like he was giving the "boy scout hand sign"… but he was being creepy about it.

"Uhh… Emmett?" I asked, openly staring at the guy. I looked over my shoulder, sure enough, his behavior had caught Jasper's eyes too.

"Well, you see Edward, someday, when you give in to Bella, you will have to find that special female part.." Emmett said, wagging his fingers as if he were searching for something in the air. Suddenly, I caught on to what he was doing, and the innocent boy scout sign I thought he was doing, instantly turned into the dirtiest hand gesture I had ever seen.

"Emmett, don't say things like that…" Jasper said boredly, obviously unmoved by his brother's gesture. He sounded like a father who was correcting his son. "Can't you find other words to say what you mean?

"Like a cymbaly?" Emmett asked, cocking his head to the side. I

"That's simile, Emmett" I corrected. Even after all of those years in high school, over and over, and he still didn't know what a simile was.

"Alright then, I won't say _that_. Edward, you just have to find that special female _fart_.." Emmett snickered at his own words.

"Emmett! That's a rhyme, and a discusting one!" Jasper yelled, throwing a C.D. case across the room and bouncing it off Emmett's head. "How do you graduate?"

"Hey! Damn it Jasper!" Emmett said, looking around for something to throw back, "Rosalie does my English paper's you know that. The only class I pass on my own is P.E., well except for tomorrow morning, when I pass Esme's little class, with flying colors."


	4. Grizzly Boxers

-1_AN: I do not own these characters, Stephenie Meyer does. Alright, again thanks for all of the reviews (I'm up to forty!) they are completely wonderful! Remember everyone, to vote in the poll, who you want to win the "no sex" bet. Also, this chapter is dedicated to Dee/Rosalie, who dutifully reads and reviews these chapters like it's her job, and stands by her man Emmett -Even when he's being… Emmett. Rosie Posie, I hope you absolutely adore this chapter, because I'm definitely going to be changing your title afterwards._

_Bella's POV _

"Bella! I said wake up!"

I squinted my eyes, so that they were barely open. All I could see was Alice's face, not three inches away from my own. She was staring at me expectantly, and from what I could tell she looked like she had been sitting there for awhile.

"Alice… what do you want?" I asked groggily. I turned my face away from her quickly, remembering that I had forgotten to brush my teeth the night before.

Immediately, she took a step back and held up a khaki jacket, "I bought this for you last night. So you need to get up, shower, and put it on." Groaning, I pulled the blanket, that I assumed she had draped over me after I had fallen asleep, over my head. Like the little devil she was, she ripped the blanket right off of me.

"Alice!" I lifted my head and saw Rosalie peeking out from under the blanket Alice had thrown on top of her.

"Come on Bella, look, it's raining out, you'll need a jacket."

"Why will I need a jacket?" I asked finally sitting up. I was astonished, and a little bit disturbed to find myself wearing pajamas, knowing full well that I had fallen asleep wearing the clothes I had worn yesterday.

"Because, silly, Edward reminded Esme that you are supposed to work down at Newton's this morning. So, she gave him permission to drive you down there so you can tell the little pecker-head that you can't work today," Alice said grinning. Ugh. I had completely forgotten that I had to work this afternoon, but I had never been late before, and I had only taken my birthday off, so maybe I would get lucky and she would let me off the hook. "You better hurry up, you have to be there in thirty minutes."

I jumped off of Alice's couch faster than I had ever seen myself move and ran towards their restroom. Everything was sparkling white, I was almost afraid to touch it. After the quickest shower known to mankind, I reached out for the towel that I had seen placed on the rack. When it was carefully wrapped around my body, and I was sure it wouldn't come loose, I moves the shower curtain aside, and found a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a pile of clothes neatly stacked up on the counter.

A pair of designer jeans. _Of course. It's Alice_. A tee shirt that stated "I love mythological creatures." _I bet she got a laugh out of that one. _A hooded sweatshirt with another little witty saying on it, "I partied in Volterra" _When did she get __**that**_ A bra and underwear… Wait. No. There were no underwear. Crap.

Walking to the door, I opened it and yelled "Alice you forgot to give me underwear!" That's when I noticed who was standing outside the door. It wasn't Alice. Think: Taller. Bulkier. Louder and Male genitals. That's right. I just yelled that I had no underwear, while naked under a towel to none other than the most perverted person I had ever met.

A big grin crept across his face as I dreaded even wondering what was going through his head.

"That's not a problem, I'm not wearing any either!" Emmett said reaching his hand into his pocket. I saw him pull something blue from it, "If you're that worried though, you can wear this!" He was dangling the blue thong that I had seen him prancing around in the day before, in front of my face. My picture was staring back at me.

"Emmett! Get away from her with that!" Alice yelled running down the hallway chasing after him. She threw underwear my way before running down the stairs after him. Needless to say, it didn't take me long to get dressed. I walked slowly down the stairs, and found the whole family waiting in the living room.

"Now Edward, you take her there and bring her straight back. No pit stops. No mini vacations. No pretend car troubles…" Esme said warningly.

"I know. To Newton's and back." I could tell Edward was already annoyed by the tone in his voice.

"Alice, where did you find this at?" I asked, trying to break the tension in the room, by pointing at the sweatshirt. All of their eyes turned to look at me. I could see them reading what it said.

"I found it at one of the stands, before I found you and Edward! Isn't it adorable?"

"Wait -I could have possibly been dead and you were using it as a chance to by souvenirs?" Edward asked, his voice unbelieving.

"Well, after Bella came running at you, I knew you were going to live, I saw it!"

"Let's go Bella," Edward said, standing, and heading for the door. Alice helped me get the jacket on before we went outside. I saw the Volvo was already running, and parked near the door, for a shorter run in the rain. I tried getting to the passenger door as quickly as possible, but slipped on the wet gravel and felt myself falling backwards. Before my brains were splattered across the Cullen's driveway, I felt two hands catch me swiftly from behind. I was staring up into Edward's face.

"Nice catch?" I said, trying to smile innocently. Edward simply helped me up and finished walking me over to the door, which he held open for me. He was at my side in a matter of seconds, and we were headed down the driveway.

"What do you think about breakfast after we talk to Newton?" Edward asked me, apparently trying to be nonchalant about the question.

"You heard what Esme said, Edward, no stops."

"Bella, you are going to have to understand, that sooner or later, you will have to get used to disobeying them every once in awhile. I mean, we disobey your father all the time." At this point, I noticed a sly grin appearing on his face. "I mean if you don't want me coming over at night anymore, I understand, we wouldn't want to go against your father."

"Edward!" I yelled, instinctively slapping his arm. I smacked a bit too hard, though, because when I pulled my hand back, it was stinging. "Damn it."

"Bella, you know I wouldn't stop coming over, no reason to beat yourself up over it," Edward said shaking his head. "Well, you better hurry up and get in there then if you plan on making it back within Esme's time limit." I looked out the window and was surprised to see we were already outside of Newton's.

I stepped out of the car quickly, and was walking towards the door when I heard Edward's automatic window rolling down, "This should be easy. He's in there thinking of a way to tell you they don't need you, except to help him take down the display tents."

_Amazing…_ I thought opening the door. Mike turned to greet, what he thought was a customer, with his usual hand wave, but when he saw it was me his face lit up.

"Hey Bella! I was wondering when you would get here. I tried calling your dad, but he said you spent the night with Alice Cullen." His face told me that he didn't believe that I actually stayed with Alice. Nobody knew that this time, it was the truth.

"Yeah, and I was wondering if I could go early, Esme wants me over there so I can help Alice plan her wedding, that's why I stayed there last night." I was trying to get on his good side -and anyway, it was sort of the truth.

"Oh… So Jasper finally popped the question? That's cool. Kind of young though, I mean… She isn't -er… pregnant, is she?"

"Oh god no!" I said, a bit louder that I had meant to.

"Ah, well, yeah actually I was going to ask if you minded going home early. We're a bit dead in here, I just need help taking down the tents. Do you mind?"

"Not at all." I said, following him over to the four tents we had set up a few weeks ago. It only took a matter of minutes to get the first two down. The second one seemed to be giving us a bit of trouble.

"I think it's tied down inside, let me check." I watched as Mike walked into the tent, then checked my watch. I had already been here twenty minutes. Esme was probably ready to send Alice soon.

"Hey Bella!" I heard Mike say, as he walked out with something in his hands, "Look at this!"

At that moment, I watched as Mike held up what had been rolled a few seconds ago. They were a pair of boxers. Not just any set of boxers mind you. No, these boxers had a picture of a grizzly bear on the front of them. _There is no way in Hell that he would even think about it…_

"Someone wrote their initials on them. 'E.C.' Who writes their initials on their underwear in permanent marker?" Mike asked dropping them on the ground. Unfortunately, I knew exactly who would wear grizzly bear boxers and write their initials in them.

"Bella, there is something else." _What else could there be?_ I asked myself, almost too frightened to wait around and find out what Mike was about to show me. I waited, and when Mike didn't come back out, I followed him into the tent.

"Come on Mike I don't have time for this!" Once inside I found Mike standing there with a grin on his face holding up a bright red lacey bra. I had an idea about who it belonged to.

"Why would anyone leave their underwear in here?" Mike asked. Then he grinned. I didn't like it. "You know Bella, all I have to do is switch the sign to say closed…"

I heard the door of the store open, then smash against the wall behind it. Then, I was in Edward's arms and out of the tent.

"Bella quits!" Edward yelled, pointing at Mike.

"What's going on?" Mike asked, his voice filled with fake innocence, and from I could tell, fear.

"I said she quits. That's all you need to know you little creep!" I had never seen Edward act like this before. There was a rage in his voice, and he looked at Mike as if he would like nothing better than to snap him in half, which I knew he could do.

Mike was still standing there, dumbfounded, when Edward scooped me up onto his shoulder, grabbed the bra and boxers, and walked out of the store. He set me down in the car, threw the unmentionables into the back seat. I waited to speak until he was sitting beside me, and we were a mile away from the store.

"Uh, Edward?"

"Yes?"

"What… just… happened?"

"Let's just say that after finding my siblings' things, Mike was beginning to picture your… things." I immediately realized why I had just quit the Newton's.

"Oh… Why did you bring their stuff back?"

"After Mike realized that he wouldn't be seeing yours he was more than happy to have Rosalie's in hand, besides, it will make for an excellent payback." My smile matched Edward's. After yesterday's embarrassment, I was glad that Edward was ready to defend my honor -or get back at them, whatever.

We walked in the door, and I was stunned to see what was in front of me. The living room of the Cullen home looked like it had been transformed into a classroom. There were three tables, two chairs at each, and a large desk at the front. I saw a projection screen that had been pulled down over the tall wall. Esme was really going all out for this thing.

"Edward?"

"Shh…"

"They're back!" I heard Esme scream from the kitchen. I turned around to find Jasper walking down the stairs toting Alice on his back. Rosalie was not far behind them with a disgusted look on her face.

"Emmett, you know Esme won't allow it!"

"It's a class Rose! Every class I've been to had show and tell one time or another!" That's when I saw Emmett, who was lugging a giant chalkboard in his arms. There was a piece of cloth draped over the front, but Alice was giggling, and Edward looked frustrated, so I could only imagine what was on it.

"Sit down everyone!" Esme said. I was surprised to see her. She was dressed in a long skirt, one that was very similar to the ones my elementary teachers had worn. In her hand, was an apple. I assumed it was for dramatic effect.

"Emmett, what is that?"

"It's for show and tell!" Emmett yelled, pulling it up to the front of the room. "Mornin' Esme!"

"Emmett, I know that most classes have show and tell, but this is different…"

"Aw.. C'mon Esme," Emmett said, pouting, "Pleeaassee…"

"Alright Emmett, aright" Esme said sitting at her desk. She covered her face with her hands.


	5. Emmett's Show and Tell

_AN: I do not own these characters. Never have, never will -crap-. Thanks for all the amazing reviews. Sorry about the cliffhanger ending there, but I wanted to be sure that Emmett received the limelight in this chapter. As my friends say, "What good is a sex ed story if Emmett isn't making himself the star?" So, here is the chapter you have all been waiting for. ((also, for the record, Emmett is not stupid. Please, stop posting reviews calling him that. He may be childish at times, but Emmett is far from ignorant. Thanks!))_

_Emmett's POV_

"Let's go Bella." A grin played at my lips. After this morning's run in with Bella, I knew I had to be on my best behavior if I wanted to pull off my little plan without my thoughts colliding with Edward's. The guy was such a stick in the mud when it came to things like sex. If he had any notion of what my plan was for Esme's class, he would have had Bella in his arms and already heading for the hills.

My brilliant plan came to me after Esme told us what her plan was last night. I had just made a mad dash to the bedroom I shared with Rosalie, for the necessities, and by necessities, I meant pictures I had of my blonde bombshell, when I saw an old Cosmopolitan magazine Alice had got me for Valentine's Day. It was meant to be a joke, but after I read it, and its "104 New Sex Tips!", I was hooked. So, I saw the magazine, and it gave me an idea. Too bad I had a mind reading brother, and a sister that could see into the future -but of course, me being the genius that I am, knew that if I could keep my mind on other things, Edward would have no idea. So, I skipped the pictures of Rose, and grabbed the closest Playboy. I knew it would keep my hands and I occupied for awhile.

So, here I was, sitting on the couch the next morning waiting for Edward to take Bella to work. Thank goodness for Esme, who had been badgering Edward about "not making _any_ unneeded stops", because almost one minute after Bella came down the stairs, still pink in the face from my comment, I might add, he was out of the door. For a moment, we all sat there, staring at one another. I knew I didn't have much time if I wanted to have my "project" completed.

"Esme, may I please go to my bedroom?" All eyes were on me, and they looked surprised that I could be so polite. _The bastards_.

"Oh, why, of course you may Emmett…" Esme was by far the most shocked by my question, because she was watching me like a pet owner who had just found out that their puppy had a taste for underpants. Puppies and I have a lot of things in common. _C'mon Em, stay on task! _

"Thank you…" I jumped up from the couch and headed up the stairs to my bedroom, but behind, in the room where the rest of my family was still sitting, I heard them trying to whisper about me. Once I was in the room, and had the door safely locked behind me, I knew I was safe from Rosalie at least. I stood, staring at my bedroom, wondering where to start first. _The chalkboard!_ And so began my task.

"Emmett! What are you doing in there? Unlock this door!" _Oh Jesus! It's Rosalie! _I knew she hated being locked out of rooms. Especially since I wasn't going to knock it down for her.

"I can't!" I yelled back scanning the room for something to cover up my artwork, just in case Hell froze over and Rosalie actually knocked down the door.

"And why not?" I bit my bottom lip. What was I going to tell her?

"I'm… having alone time!"

"Why on earth would you need alone time? In a locked room?" I could tell she was mad, and in my mind I could see little icicles forming at the gates of Hell, and Rosalie was quickly becoming Satan's right hand woman. I had to think fast.

"I'm playing with myself!"

"You're _WHAT_?"

"Playing with myself, you know, it's what happens when a guy pulls down his pants, grabs a bottle of lotion, and-"

"I know what 'playing with yourself' means Emmett! I want to know why!" _The question is, why am I not playing with myself since thanks to my bet with Jasper, I won't be getting any for who knows how long…_

"I'm bored?"

"Oh -well, um… just don't make a mess!" _Whew. _"Emmett!" _Oh dear God… _"Don't use my bottle of good lotion. You know, the one I use to smell extra nice, or I will personally rip you limb from limb and give you to those forsaken werewolves to have a bonfire with!" I heard her footsteps as she walked away. _And the clouds opened up, and God said, "You're an alright guy Emmett, I'll let you have this one"._

That's when I heard a deafening scream, coming from Alice, followed by laughter. Then the little banshee was at my door, "Emmett! You better hurry up! Mike is going to put the moves on Bella and Edward is bringing her home in twenty minutes!"

My eyes went wide, I had thought I would have more time to finish it. _Damn that Mike Newton and his creepy little teenage boy brain!_ I scurried around my room like a mouse, gathering things I could use. A picture here, one of Rosalie's bras there. It was finally all coming together.

Exactly twenty minutes later, after rushing around my room, I finally finished my masterpiece. _Beeaaauuutiful! _Not a minute too soon either, because I heard Esme yelling that Bella and Edward had arrived. I picked up the giant chalkboard that I had been working on, which wasn't easy because I could barely get my fingers around the width of it, and headed out the door. Rosalie looked on in amusement, but still told me Esme wouldn't allow it. I scowled at her, then began descending down the stairs.

"It's a class Rose! Every class I've been to had show and tell one time or another!" This statement was entirely true, because in everyone of my classes, I had brought something to show and tell about, whether the teacher wanted me to or not.

I saw that Esme had done a ton of work to our living room. It almost looked like a real classroom…almost too real. Suddenly flashbacks from all my highschool years were sprinting through my head like marathon runners. Esme was even dressed up too. _And usually, I'm the creepy one…_

"Sit down everyone!" I smiled politely at her, as I took my seat, rolling my chalkboard closer to me, and scowling at Edward, who was giving me a dirty look. _I know what you're up to Edward! Don't think I don't know that you're trying to read my mind… I am the master at mindgames... sort of... _

"Emmett, what is that?"

"It's for show and tell!" I yelled at Jasper, standing and pulling my board up to the front of Esme's make shift class. "Mornin' Esme!"

"Emmett, I know that most classes have show and tell, but this is different…" She looked nervous, I knew I would have to really get on her good side if she was going to allow me to do this.

"Aw.. C'mon Esme," I gave her my best 'puppy dog' eyes. _See, puppies and I do have alot in common besides the whole liking pretty underwear thing. _"Pleeaassee…" I knew I had her when I threw in the "please", it always worked on Esme.

"Alright Emmett, aright" I watched her cover her face with her hands, but before I could get a word out of my mouth, Carlisle walked across the room, and sat in the chair I had left unoccupied. He made a hand gesture that told me to carry on. A grin made its way to my face.

"Esme, do you promise to let me finish my show and tell, no matter what?" I asked, my hand grasping the blanket I had thrown over my dirty little secret.

Slowly, I watched as her hands fell from her face. It was the first time I had never seen Esme this frightened. "Emmett, if this bad enough that you are asking me to promise to let you finish, I don't know if even getting started is a good idea…"

"Esme, if you let me go through this, I promise I will sit here and listen without one complaint to whatever you have to say!"

"Take it Esme, who knows, you might win an extra car in this one too!"

"Shut your little mouth Jasper!" I yelled pointing at him, then making a slow, and very drawn out "cut-throat" action with my finger. He just grinned then rolled his eyes.

"Fine Emmett. Just get it over with. I promise you can finish your show and tell… no… matter… what…" The look on Esme's face reminded me of someone who was making their own death wish. _Huh… how strange…_

With my hands still on the blanket, I turned back to the "class", "My name is Emmett Cullen, and _this_ is _my _show and tell…" I ripped the blanket away from the chalkboard, and watched the extensiveness of my creation take hold of their expressions. Alice burst into laughter, but of course she had probably seen everything beforehand. Jasper had his eyes closed, his face looking very much like it did yesterday when I was running around in the "Bella Thong".

"Emmett! Where did you get those pictures?!" Rosalie asked, her eyes wide with embarrassment.

"I knew it was you!" Edward yelled pointing to a certain diagram on the outer edge of the board.

"I didn't know you could do that with a balloon…" Bella said, her voice shaking.

"You aren't supposed to be able to…you know, physically." Carlisle said, answering Bella's comment.

I looked over to Esme. She was staring, speechless, at my board, and from what I could tell she had never imagined that I would do this.

"Hey! Be quiet!" I said trying to get everyone still enough so I could continue. "This is a timeline of my sexual life!"

"I don't remember that one…" I looked over to Rosalie, who was glaring at me.

"Well, Rose, you weren't exactly there…" I said, letting a nervous chuckle out. She slammed her fist down onto Esme's table.

"Rosalie, dear, calm down, Emmett was older when you found him," Carlisle said trying to avoid the wrath of Rosalie, "and just because he is more experienced than you thought, doesn't mean that you love him any less…"

"Want to bet?"

"Rosie!" I said desperately, "She meant nothing to me! You know you're the best! She could never bend like you do, and she without a doubt, could never do that one thing that you know I like…"

"Oh Emmett!" She was smiling again. Beaming at one of the more illustrated pictures on my board. Everyone else just looked ready to get sick.

"This drawing signifies my first time. Ever. I was seventeen and I thought that I might as well do it before I went out bear hunting. Because if I was going to get killed by a bear, I didn't want to die a virgin. As my luck would have it, I _was_ almost killed…" I pointed to a chalk illustration I had done. It might have been a bit rough around the edges, but it most surely proved the point I was trying to make.

I went on and on, pointing out pictures, drawings, and clippings that I had taken from the Cosmopolitan magazine. Everything I had ever done, or tried was up on that board, and while I seemed to be disgusting a few members of my family, I took some pride in knowing that Rosalie and I were by far the most adventurous. Each one of them had a story to go along with it -and I told all. I saw Bella, who looked stuck in between fear and interest, but mostly fear. Edward and Alice were sliding a piece of paper back and forith with a game of tic-tac-toe on it, but I did notice every few moments, Edward would look my way. _Maybe there is hope for him yet! _

"And that was the last time Rose and I did it!" I said, finishing up my speech. I glanced at the clock. Who knew that years of sex could be narrated in just over three hours?

"I took it upon myself to snag a clipping for each of you…" I said walking around the awestruck room, beginning to hand out my little "how to" clippings.

"Bella, "How to handle my chaste boyfriend."

"Edward, "How to realize when it's the right time."

"Alice, "How to know what he wants before he tells you."

"Jasper, "How to figure out what she's feeling."

"Esme-"

"No Emmett!" My brow furrowed as Esme put up her hands, stopping me.

"Esme, I was going to say, I found one for Carlisle…"

"Still, no Emmett!" Carlisle said from the table.

With a smug look on my face, I set it down in front of him, "Carlisle, "How to bring new things to the bedroom, when you get bored."

"We _are not _bored Emmett!" Esme yelled. A heard a giggle from almost everyone else, as Esme sat back down, clearly horrified by her exclamation. I heard Bella's stomach growl -everyone did. "Why don't we take a little break… you kids go to Forks and take Bella out for lunch…"

"Excellent!" I yelled, pumping my fist into the air.

"Then when you get back, we will be having our sex talk without any _further_ interruptions…"

_Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex… _My little chant was running through my mind after I heard Esme say the word. Then, I noticed everyone looking at me curiously. Apparently, only Edward could hear the chant in my thoughts, and everyone else just saw me thrusting my… hip section. When I thought about it, I was sure it looked odd.

"Let's go guys!" Alice said grinning, and running to get her keys. Everyone was filing out the door, as I picked my favorite picture of Rosalie and I off of the board. We were both sitting naked in one of the display tents at the Newton's store, using the stuffed animals to hide out most private parts. _Feel bad for the poor saps who buy those as toys for their kids._

As I headed for the door behind Rosalie, I noticed that everyone had left their articles on their desks. All but one. Bella's was missing.

_Thanks for reading it! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as i did writing it. Emmett can be quite the character, no?_


	6. Street Races and Spit

_AN: I do not own any of these characters, I only own the plot. I hope you all enjoyed Emmett's show and tell. I was shocked to see that I'm almost up to 100 reviews. Wow guys. Where would I be without you? Anyway, thank you, for everything. If you have any ideas for the next few chapters, or what you would like to see, add them to a review, I mean, I am writing this story for you after all. Sorry this chapter took so long. _

_Rosalie's POV_

"Come on Emmett!" I yelled from the from seat of my shiny, red, BMW M3 convertible -might I mention the fact that I had black leather seats? Oh yes, I have quite a fascination with cars. Not just mine, but all cars. Carlisle didn't have a Nascar sized garage built behind the house, just for me, for no reason. I'm not quite sure where the interest came from, I would have never even thought about them in my human life, but the hobby is mine all the same.

I do suppose it came from the very first "honeymoon" Emmett and I had. We had decided to spend our time in Italy, one of the most romantic places in the world. Which surprised me, because it had been Emmett's idea in the first place. Yet, nobody ever believes me when I tell them that there is more to Emmett than his rough, tough, very sexual exterior, but that's fine with me.

"_Emmett, remind me why we are looking around at cars, when it's supposed to be our honeymoon…" I said glaring at my husband. We had only been married, technically, for thirty three hours, and hadn't even made it to the hotel yet._

"_Because, Rose, I don't want my wife riding around in a taxi all day. You need something first class!" I looked at him, obviously not persuaded by his lack of reason._

"_Then, Emmett, explain to me why we are looking at this…" I found myself pointing at a motorbike. From what I could tell, it only seated one person. _

"_Well, Rosalie, because I like to go fast." _

"_But… I want this…" I said pointing at a pretty black car. _

"_Yeah, well as soon as you learn how to fix it, you can have one." The tone in his voice made it sound as if he didn't believe he would ever have to buy me one._

"Emmett! Hurry up!"

"I'm coming Rosie, I'm coming. Don't get your panties in a twist…" He said slamming the door of my baby.

"Let's just go…" I said narrowing my eyes at him, then revving the engine a bit, before speeding out of the driveway to catch up with Edward. Thank goodness for that built in radar detector of his, otherwise the police probably would have taken everyone of our licenses away.

"Little pixie to the left." As Emmett spoke, my eyes glanced over to the left side mirror, and sure enough Alice had her "racecar" driver face on. That's what we called it anyway. To anyone else she would look like a constipated pixie, with an evil grin…but the most _beautiful_ constipated pixie. If that was possible. I swerved over to the left lane, quickly to block her, but hard to pull right to cut her off. Unfortunately, she was faking right, and passed me on the left. As she drove by the little brat was sticking out her tongue at me. _Stupid, yellow Porsche owner._ I stayed on her bumper though, trying to get by again, all the while noticing Edward, who was in front of both of us, was glancing back through his review mirror.

"Come on Rose! If she beats me, I'll never hear the end of it!"

"Beats you? Emmett, who the hell do you think is driving the damn car?!" I yelled, viciously trying to get close enough to pass her. Then I had a great idea, I saw Alice look back at me in her review mirror, with a threatening glare on her face. My foot pressed the gas pedal harder, and I tapped the Porsche lightly. I could see Alice throwing a slew of profanities that I assumed were directed at me.

I tapped again. This time she swerved, and I missed her bumper. My beautiful baby popped a tire, and started heading toward the ditch. Using my vampire reflexes I unbuckled my seatbelt, and jumped through the car window. The landing wasn't bad, I had managed to stay standing, and I saw Emmett had made it too, but because of his bulk, had fallen over.

"NOOOOO!!" There, jack knifed in the ditch, was my baby, my darling, the love of my life, my BMW. It's red paint was scratched to hell and the front looked as caved in as my ex fiancé's face had when I had my revenge. Running to the car, I wrapped my arms, as wide as they would go around the bumper. If I could cry, there would have been tears on the trunk.

"Well… I guess we only have _one _car for the bet now…"

Gradually, I turned to face my husband. Who was standing in the middle of the road with his arms crossed across his chest. I saw Alice and Edward had parked, and everyone was on their way over.

"Emmett, one more word out of your mouth and I will snap your neck like a twig."

"I _knew_ that was going to happen Rosalie…" I closed my eyes slowly and ran all of the reasons I shouldn't hand Alice over to the werewolves through my mind. _She's my Sister. Jasper loves her. She helps our family when humans become suspicious. Jasper loves her…_

"I don't know why you would try to race me, if I think I'm going to lose I wouldn't even try it, you know that Rose." I felt my jaw clenching tightly as Alice spoke, leaning over the edge of the ditch to get a better look at the damage. Suddenly the reasons I had just had didn't seem quite good enough.

"Alice…" I was trying to stay calm. "Just stop talking…"

"Well, you _should_ know better…"

"Alice. Just stop. Another word and I will not stop myself from ripping you piece to piece and slowly feed the little bits to a fire with the werewolves." By this time, my voice sounded like nothing more than a low hiss. Bella looked like she had just seen the reincarnation of the Devil.

"As if those mongrels would let you on their land…" Alice said glaring at me out of the corner of her eyes. Jasper, feeling my anger gently pulled her away so that they were standing about ten feet away. It helped having her over there so that I couldn't hear the snide little remarks that I'm sure she was making behind my back.

"Well I suppose we should get it out of there…" Emmett started grabbing the bumper of my car in his huge hands. Then he turned back to me, "Unless you want to call a tow truck? Those guys always seem interested when they find out that _you_ own it and not me."

"Tow trucks take too long," Edward chimed in looking down the road that stretched into Forks. "If we wait for them, Carlisle and Esme will wonder if we've skipped town."

My eyes popped open as I slapped my hand to my forehead. Carlisle and Esme were not going to be happy about this at all. They had warned me about street racing after I received a huge ticket back when we lived in L.A. I still think the damn cops were just using me to make a point that pretty girls won't get away with it. After that, Carlisle took away my keys. Then, after he realized that wouldn't work, he took apart my car and hid the pieces in different spots. I had no idea what he was going to do this time.

Emmett pulled on the bumper, to get the car out, but to my horror, he didn't pull it out, he pulled the bumper off.

"Uh oh…" A Bella-like squeak said from behind Edward.

"Rosalie, why don't you and Alice take Bella to the restaurant while I deal with this?" Edward said, looking at the scene, with what I thought was humor in his eyes. At least someone was getting a good chuckle out of this. If it weren't for my great self control, there would have already been two fatalities, and not from the wreck.

"Alright Edward, just make sure my car isn't completely demolished by the time you meet up with us. I think I can fix this, but if Emmett has his reign of terror, I don't know what I'll do."

Edward grinned, and gave me a reassuring nod, then turned to Bella to tell her good bye. I swear, those two were like two love sick puppies, except one was un dead. I looked at Emmett, he was standing next to the car with the bumper behind his back, looking like he was trying to hide it. Too bad that it was sticking out. It was also too bad that he looked so cute standing there like that, that it was almost impossible to be furious with him.

"Emmie-bear… Just don't hurt my baby too much, please…" I was looking up at him through my eyelashes and using my "sexy" voice.

"Rose-Posie, stop that, you know what it does to me…" The grin on Emmett's face explained exactly what it was doing to him. That's the grin that made me fall in love with him. He began to nuzzle my neck, then he whispered into my ear, "Now unless you want me to throw you into this back seat and have my way with you…"

"Emmett! Stop that!" Edward yelled across the street. Emmett backed away, which allowed me to walk away, but before I passed him completely, I gave him a soft little pat on the rump.

Alice and Bella were already in Alice's Porsche, which I had just decided to name the "Little Monster," when I got to them. Alice pressed her foot down, and we took off. "Just because you ruined one of the cars in our bet doesn't mean it's off, we still have Emmett's car in the bet, and if you lose, I expect to have that BMW in my possession."

"We aren't going to lose Alice, excuse me if Emmett and I are not embarrassed to show each other a little affection every once in a while."

Alice burst into a fit of laughter, "a bit of affection? Are you kidding me? The guy was ready to lay you over the trunk of your car!"

"Now that's taking it a bit too far, Alice, we wouldn't go at it right here on an open road!" _As a matter of fact, the road we did 'go at it' on was closed at the time._

"You went at it in a tent!" Bella yelled suddenly. She was so quiet sometimes I almost forgot that she was even around, which, as luck would have it, was when I liked her best. Especially at times like this. _Damn it! How the hell did she find out about that?_

"Excuse me, Bella? What _are_ you talking about?" _Play it cool Rose, play it cool. She's bluffing. She can't know about Newtons, and Emmett and I have had sex in plenty of tents when we went out hunting._

"Why do you think Mike tried to _assault_ her Rosalie? He found Emmett's grizzly boxers and your bra in a tent they were taking down!" Alice said, taking a sharp right turn.

"I always knew I hated that Newton kid…Well, Bella, did you get them back? Or just leave them there with him?"

"Edward has them…"_ Oh, that can't be good._

The rest of the ride was quiet, and we were seated at an enormous booth as soon as we walked in the door. A male waiter, walked over and by the look on his face, we three girls were just what he was looking for to fill his appetite.

"My name is Kye, What can I get for you lovely ladies today?" I smiled warmly at him, always up for some attention. I mean, I can't help being the lovely lady that I am. If he wants to stare at me, what can I do about it?

"The meatballs please, and a lemonade," Bella said without looking at the menu.

"That's all." Alice added, glaring at the man.

"I'll have that as soon as possible." Then with a quick wink at me, he walked towards the kitchen, with a little more 'giddy-up' in his step than he had before he came to us.

"Well, we managed to save what was left of the car." I turned to find the three boys walking across the lobby to us, without waiting for a host to seat them.

"Where is it?"

"Pushed it back up to the driveway, we can figure out what to do with it when we get back." Jasper said wrapping an arm around Alice, who cuddled into his chest.

About the same time, our waiter appeared with Bella's lemonade, "Here you are… -Oh, _three more. _Did you guys want anything?" I just about laughed at the tone in his voice. By the sound of it, if the guys did order anything, it wouldn't get here as quickly as Bella's food would.

"Yeah, I do," Emmett said, his voice sounding like a boy guard. "How about this split pea soup?"

"It'll be right out…"

We all sat in silence for a moment, looking around the table at one another. Then Bella, once again, surprised us with her voice, "Emmett, I'm not eating that."

"Well, neither am I, but wouldn't it look odd if we all came in here and only you ordered something to eat? That and that little dweeb was giving my Rosie a funny look."

"You always think people are giving Rosalie funny looks."

"That's because they usually are, Jasper."

"Speaking of funny, Edward, might I ask what you did with my bra?" I asked smoothly, leaning back against the booth.

"What is _he_ doing with _your _bra?" Emmett's voice boomed through the restaurant. A lot of people turned around in their seats to stare at us.

"Probably the same thing that he's doing with _your_ grizzly boxers!" I snapped back, making the look on our audiences' faces even more alarmed. Emmett looked around and noticed all the attention we were gathering, and apparently wasn't fond of it, because he glared at every one of them until they turned back around.

"Ostentatious Emmett…" Edward mumbled.

"You'll think ostentatious when I find out what you're doing with my underpants!" Emmett growled.

"Here's your order ma'am," the waiter said popping in with Bella's order. I looked over, and saw the meatballs… and a complimentary breadstick. It seemed like my worst fear was happening -other than my car being in a wreck. The breadstick and meatballs just happened to be in the shape of… well… you know.

"That isn't my order!" Bella yelled, shaking her head from side to side, obviously catching what it was I was staring at.

"Yes it is," Kye said nodding intensely, then taking out his tablet of paper, and pointed out that Bella had ordered it. Then, he set it down in front of her, and Emmett got his first good look.

"Oh my god, do you know what that looks like?!" Emmett yelled pointing at the plate. The waiter just stood there, flabbergasted, he seemingly didn't understand the predicament he had just put us in. He slowly started backing away, forgetting all about staring at me. I turned my head back just in time to see Emmett grabbing the plate from under Bella's nose, and standing up, holding it to his waist. "Mine's bigger than this though…"

As he set it back in front of Bella, I saw her wrinkle nose, and gently push away the plate.

"Here's your soup, _sir" _A bowl of green soup was set in front of Emmett. It looked almost as appetizing as the meatballs did to Bella. Before we could say anything, the waiter had disappeared in the kitchen.

"Does this look like spit?" Emmett asked pointing at the center of the soup.

"I think it's just the soup…" Jasper said leaning over, to look at the slime textured gloop in a bowl.

"No… I think it's spit," Emmett said, using the spoon to ladle a bit of it out, "Here Bella, taste it and tell me if it's spit." He pushed the spoon to Bella's mouth, making airplane sounds. She slapped it out of his hand. We all watched as the soup that had been in the spoon splattered across Edward's face.

"Oh Edward! I'm so sorry!" Bella said, unfolding her napkin and starting towards Edward. He caught her by the arms, gently taking the napkin from her, and wiping his face off. "It's fine Bella, and yes, Emmett, it was spit."

"That little ass." Emmett said looking around the booth toward the kitchen.

_I hope you all enjoyed that. Again, let me know your opinions! _


	7. Emmett the Sexual Deviant Part 1

_AN: Hey everyone, thanks for the reviews, they were all very lovely. And yes, to answer the question a couple of you asked, the waiter did spit in Emmett's soup. XD So, off to the story -I'm sure you will all be very pleased with this chapter._

_Jasper's POV_

I pulled Alice even closer to myself as Emmett made his little scene about the waiter spitting in his soup. I know the spit didn't bother him as much as the fact that the guy had been making eyes at Rosalie. After all these years, he still hasn't gotten used to having strange men "oogle her goodies." It didn't matter to me though, because even though I have noticed plenty of men staring at my dearest Alice, it never bothers me. The one thing that had been bothering me lately was the fact that Emmett and Rosalie weren't having sex. I know, I know, why would a brother care whether or not his siblings were making love, right? Well, thanks to Emmett's lack of sex, his hormones were kicked into over drive. I could feel him wanting sex -and thanks to my ability, I was wanting it too.

I noticed Edward smirking at me._ Edward, not right now. It's not a good time to be reading my mind, trust me._ He nodded casually, but it was already to late.

"Jazz what's going on?" Of course, leave it to Alice to figure out when something is up.

"I'll explain in the car…"

"Remember, most of the people sitting here will be in the same vehicle as us, and one of the people who aren't can read our minds anyway." I closed my eyes. It was like a fog of curiosity was looming over our table. My little Alice had been graced with the gift of gab, and unfortunately not a quiet voice, so everyone now knew that I was hiding something.

"It's nothing, really," I said, attempting a smile. I saw her eyes narrowing, but she looked away. I hated keeping things from her. She was my other half. It was like trying to keep a secret between conjoined twins.

Edward slipped a bill into the little black folder containing the check, just as we all made our leave from the restaurant. I could feel all eyes on us, so I let a wave of calmness to all of the other guests, who slowly turned back to their meals. When we made it outside, I watched Bella and Edward head to the Volvo, and noticed that Emmett was missing from our small group at the Porsche. He came jogging back to the car just as Edward was pulling out of the parking lot.

"Miss November 2006, blonde, brown eyes, long legs, tan, pink, polk a dotted, two piece, swimsuit… Oh, good, he's gone!"

I looked at Emmett, oddly. He felt nervous and excited all at the same time. That was never a good thing. I pulled my seat forward so that he could climb into the back with Rosalie, then slipped into the front seat with Alice.

"Emmett I can't believe you!" Alice said laughing hysterically at something Rosalie and myself had no idea about. I turned in my seat and saw that Rosalie looked just as confused as I did, but she looked a bit worried. Emmett raised a clenched fist up, then opened it up to reveal ten dollars sitting in the palm of his dinner plate hand.

"What is that?" I asked, looking around the car of people, but my eyes followed Emmett's to the car ahead of ours. Edward's car.

"It's the change Edward left that little bastard as a tip…" Emmett said brashly.

"You took the waiter's tip Emmett?" I watched as Rosalie's confused expression transitioned into one of shock. "Emmett! That will make us look cheap! How could you?! Why on Earth would you take the man's tip?"

Emmett's fingers clenched around the cash again, before he threw the wad of bills out the window. Through the rear window, I saw them flutter towards the ground. "He spit in my soup, and he hit on you, Rosie, he doesn't deserve a tip. That's what I told him anyway. If he wants the money, he can come pick it up off the road. Maybe if he's lucky, a big, red, Jeep won't be waiting to flatten him out."

"Edward isn't going to be happy you did that, Emmett," I said, attempting to stifle my grin. Edward was a very respectable guy. He liked leaving tips, even when the service is bad, he thinks it the politest thing to do. I knew Edward wasn't going to be pleased with Emmett one bit.

"Edward Shmedward. He doesn't scare me!" Emmett said, flexing his muscles like a professional body builder. "Just because he can read my mind doesn't mean he can control it. He isn't _that_ amazing, no matter what Bella thinks."

About that point, we all were trying to contain our laughter. Sure, it was mean, but it was still really funny. I had never seen anyone act around Edward the way Bella did. To her, he was the bee's knees, he was the chocolate on top of the sundae, so it was especially funny when we got to poke some fun at him.

Out of nowhere, I got this strong urge to touch Alice -and my hand instinctively grasped her thigh. The car swerved towards the middle line of the road.

"Jasper!" Alice yelled, correcting the vehicle. My mind cleared, and I realized what I had just done. I looked back and saw that Emmett's hand was sitting on Rosalie's thigh. _Oh this is getting bad. Very, very bad. _

"Sorry Alice…"

"Do you want me to wreck my car the way Rosalie wrecked hers?"

"Alice!" Rosalie yelled from the back seat.

"Oh -Sorry Rosalie, Jasper, what's with grabbing me? I didn't even see it coming!"

"Spur of the moment lust I guess…" _Because our brother is as horny as a teenage boy in women's aerobic class._

"Spur of the moment lust? Jasper?" Emmett roared from the back seat. "That's… awesome! So if I sit here and think of Rosalie in an itty, bitty, French maid's outfit… with, uh… a little feather duster, and umm… oh! High heels and her hair down… oh yeah, that's nice…"

Now, my urges on where to grab Alice were a lot less gentleman like than the thigh. As a matter of fact -At this very moment, I felt like grabbing the wheel, pulling over to the curb, throwing Rosalie and Emmett out of the car, and pulling Alice into the back seat. The more I thought about, the better the idea sounded. I mean, it wasn't that far of a walk… they both would make it home…

"Jasper -you stop thinking like that right now! I will _not _lose my Porsche! Emmett! Knock it off, before I break your fingers!"

"Ahh, come on Alice, I'm just having a bit of fun with him. Don't be such a party pooper -you've been hanging around Edward too long…"

"Don't worry Emmett, she's just worried about losing her precious little car," Rosalie said, combing her fingers through Emmett's hair. Her sweet little gesture wasn't as innocent as it seemed to outside eyes though, because I could just feel the "R" rated feelings just radiating off of Emmett.

"Alice. Drive. Faster." I said. If I was in a small space with these two much longer, I wouldn't be surprised if soon I was just as bad as Emmett was. Thank goodness though, Alice pressed the pedal to the floor, and I could here the crunch of the gravel in the driveway. As we drove past Rosalie's BMW on the side, I no longer felt the desire to run Alice upstairs, instead, I felt like I was attending a funeral.

Esme was waiting outside for us, so apparently we had taken a bit longer than she had expected us to. Edward and Bella were no where to be seen, so I expected that they were already inside. Alice parked next to Edward, and we all strolled out of the small car. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I pictured a bunch of angsty clowns filing out of beetle.

"Get inside." Esme said, holding the door open. _Wow, she didn't even ask what happened to Rosalie's car, she must be eager to get this thing started. _The living room looked exactly as it had this morning, except now, there was another large board in front of the room. I noticed that every one of our eyes had coincidentally landed on Emmett, who was shaking his head back and forth. I took my seat next to Alice, placing my chair as far away from her as possible.

"Alright everyone, today we start our first day of sexual education classes. Can anyone tell me what this means?" I saw Emmett's hand pop into the air like lightning. He was waving it around like a banshee.

"Anyone else…?" Esme was desperate, but nobody else really wanted to participate in her little experiment and Bella was far to embarrassed already to speak aloud. I could smell her blood pulsating through her body quickly, like it always did when she was nervous. _Damn it. Why didn't I go hunting last night when we had nothing better to do?_

"Alright… Emmett, go ahead."

"Sex education is a broad term used to describe education about human sexual anatomy, sexual reproduction, sexual intercourse, and other aspects of human sexual behavior. Common avenues for sex education are parents or caregivers, school programs, and public health campaigns…"

My jaw dropped. As a matter of fact, everyone in the room's jaw had dropped.

"What?! You all act like I don't have the mental capabilities to hold an intellectual conversation!"

Esme smiled warmly, "No, Emmett, it isn't that dear. It's just, after hearing some things you say, well, when you say things like that… we're surprised."

"So you're saying that you think I'm an idiot…"

"No, Emmett! What I'm trying to say is… gosh, how do I put this lightly? I'm just saying that sometimes the things you say aren't as modest as what you just said." _Wow, Esme. _I could tell she was trying really hard not to offend Emmett.

"So you're saying I'm a pervert… a creep… a weirdo? Is that what you're saying?" Emmett was standing on his feet now with his arms crossed. The weird thing was, I didn't feel him being angry. I felt him being happy. Where the heck was he going with this?

"Emmett, darling, why on Earth would I call you any of those things?"

"…Because he is all of those things?" Edward piped in.

"Edward, that isn't very polite. Now apologize to Emmett for being so rude," Esme added patiently.

"Yeah Edward, tell me you're sorry…"

"I am not apologizing for stating a true fact-"

"Edward! Emmett is not a pervert… a sexual deviant maybe, but not a pervert."

"Yeah, I'm a sexual deviant, so apologize!"

"Fine Emmett, I'm sorry that you're a sexual deviant who is often mistaken for a pervert because some of the things you say would make others think that way." We had to give Edward credit. The guy had a way with words.

"Thank you… Wait a minute. For some reason I have a feeling that wasn't right." A grin slipped onto my face as I shook my head. I could feel confusion wafting off of Emmett.

"Alright, like Emmett said, I'm going to teach you about sex, reproduction, behavior. Though I know most of you, if not all, already know what's going on, I would appreciate it if I didn't hear any comments until I ask for them."

I watched Esme pull the cover off of her board and saw different flyers pinned up to the cork. Some of them had definitions, others… had pictures to go along with them.

"Hey! I know that word! Cop-u-la-tion…" Emmett yelled, his finger pointing to the word Carlisle had taught him yesterday.

"Cop-u-la-tion-Cop-u-la-tion-Cop-u-la-tion-Cop-u-la-tion-Cop-u-la-tion-." I watched as Emmett as he thought of a new chant to go along with his little thrusting dance. Every syllable was enunciated with a thrust of Emmett's very large hips.

"Enough, Emmett, enough, please." Esme said, eyes wide. "Now, like Carlisle attempted to explain yesterday, when people reach a certain age, their bodies start to react to the opposite sex in ways they have never before."

"-Like when I picture Rosie in a tight leather-"

"YES Emmett, just like that. Edward, will you flip the light switch?" As the lights turned off, Esme flipped on a projector. When we looked up at the screen, we were all surprised to find what we were looking at.

"Oh my! Edward turn off the projector! Turn OFF the projector!" Edward quickly did as told, but it was too late. The image that was on the screen had already been burned into our memories. Apparently, last night, Alice, my loving wife had found the time to upload and photo shop the picture she had taken the day before. There was Emmett, who was in the same pose from where he had fallen on the floor, but he was standing straight up, against Rosalie. Then there was Edward, who had fallen on top of Emmett, still in that pose, and of course, Rosalie was in her grizzly bear outfit. All in all, it looked like a clip from a very low budget pornography movie.

"Alice -where are my real slides" Esme asked taking Alice's out of the machine. She went over to the wastepaper basket and threw it in, along with a lit match.

"Don't worry Esme, I have five more copies of that… and your other slides are still in there, it's the next one."

"Edward… please turn the projector back on…"

"Alright Esme, whatever you say."

_This is just part one of Chapter 7. Part two will be up later tonight!_


	8. Emmett the Sexual Deviant Part 2

_AN: As usual, I do not own any of these characters, that right belongs to Stephenie Meyer -who, by the way, I am going to go see on May 6__th__. Props for me eh? XD Oh, and I am sincerely sorry about taking so long to finish the chapter, my laptop fails at life. This chapter is dedicated to Seb, our Emmett, and Jen, our Alec, who rock my world with their amazingness to brighten up my day._

_Jasper's POV_

"_Alice -where are my real slides" Esme asked taking Alice's out of the machine. She went over to the wastepaper basket and threw it in, along with a lit match._

"_Don't worry Esme, I have five more copies of that… and your other slides are still in there, it's the next one."_

"_Edward… please turn the projector back on…"_

"_Alright Esme, whatever you say."_

I had to admit it, Alice, as crazy as she was sometimes, really knew how to turn an awkward conversation into an even more awkward one. I looked over to her and saw that she was watching me as well. Her eyes were sparkling, and her smile was mischievous -in other words, she was her naturally beautiful self. I wanted to sit there all day and just gaze into her eyes, but she gave me a wry smile and turned back to Esme's lecture. Resentfully, I turned to the front of the room as well, only to find a very large photograph of a nude male being forced into my memory.

"…at a certain point hair may even begin to grow into this area, and eventually every person will have…" Esme said, using her finger to point into the southern region of the male figure's body. I suddenly felt very embarrassed, which was odd because I already knew where the hair on my body was located. Sure enough though, when I peeked across the room I saw Bella's face as red as a cherry tomato, even in the dark, and Edward was playing with her hand on top of the table.

"I don't."

Of course, this comment came from Emmett. I rolled my eyes, knowing that we were definitely about to hear a story that I wanted no part of. So, I tried with all of my might to urge uncaring feelings towards Esme; hoping that by some grace of God that she wouldn't even recognize his comment. I watched as she peered at him out of the corner of her eye. _Come on Esme. Just say no! Just tell yourself you don't care why Emmett doesn't have hair…._

"Seriously… there's nothing there." _Come on Esme… take one for the team. Just pretend you don't even hear him. He is a figment of your imagination…._

"How can that possibly be?"

My hand instinctively bounced off my forehead. I had been pushing all of my indifferent feelings towards Esme, that I had totally failed to remember that Bella also was a very curious being. My eyes closed as I tried to will Emmett to keep his story rated "G", but it was out of my hands. I swear, even though he is stronger than the average vampire, Emmett's special ability is not his strength, it's his sexuality. Sometimes it was bad enough I wondered what the guy did when he was a human that made him _this_ bad as a vampire.

"Well…" Emmett started, grinning at Bella, "It's Rosalie's fault really. It's how we found out that after you become a vampire, hair does not grow back after you have it waxed."

"Emmett!" Rosalie yelled, slapping his arm.

"She said it tickled her nose!" Emmett said loudly, just to spite her. I rested my head in my hands, trying to block out the emotions I was sure were ready to come my way.

"Sometimes, people choose to have that hair removed for some reason or another, but other than that, it is perfectly normal to have a bit of hair near your private areas." Esme sure was being a good sport about this all, I had to give the woman some credit. From that point on, we listened to her drabble on about the male body a bit more. None of it really surprised me because… well, being one and all, and the fact that I did have about seventeen years of general biology under my belt. Soon, Esme's voice became a slight murmur as I began counting the number of fibers in our carpet.

I had reached about four thousand when Esme announced that it was time for a dinner break, then walked off to call for a pizza for Bella. Sighing, I looked up from the ground and saw a slide of the male genitals. I was thankful I hadn't been paying any attention to what she had been saying.

"Alice, let's go to our room," I said, ready to just sit with her, and be away from all of the perverts around us. She gave me a very odd look, but she must have figured I had no intentions on losing her Porsche, because she smiled, and took my hand in her own.

"We'll know if you break the rules Jasper!" Emmett yelled over at me, then hopped over the chair he was sitting on and grabbed Edward in a headlock. He used his index finger to tap on Edward's head. "Remember, he can hear everything you think about!"

Edward grabbed Emmett's right arm and used a very James Bond -like move on him, sending Emmett into the air and landing on his back. Shaking my head side to side, I walked with Alice up to the bedroom we shared, and closed the door behind us. Although the room was full of Alice's things, it felt a lot better than sitting downstairs with everyone else. Following Alice over to the leather couch in the center of our room, I clasped her hand even tighter in mine. I always found it fascinating that we could be so close, without ever having to act the way the others did. We were like to halves of the same whole. Which is why I didn't object when Alice pulled me down next to her, and gently positioned me so that I was laying down with my head in her lap.

I looked up at her as she ran her fingers through my hair, as she liked to do, when I needed to calm down. While one hand twirled my hair around her finger, her other hand was softly trailing a path up and down my chest. It was so relaxing, that at this moment I wished that vampires could fall asleep. Never the less, I watched her instead, it was as close to a dream as I was ever going to get.

My right hand reached up to stroke her cheek, and I watched her smile as my thumb ran across her chin. Sweetly, she leaned down and placed a small kiss on my forehead. Then I leaned upwards and set one on her nose. I was surprised when she came back at me and lightly kissed me on the lips. I grabbed Alice and kissed her back. She pulled away, staring at me in surprise. I had a feeling that Emmett was at the door, so I pulled myself up and raced to the door as quickly as I could manage, but when I pulled it open, the hallway was empty.

At this point, I couldn't be sure what was bothering me most. The fact that Emmett's lust was getting so powerful it was floating throughout the house, or that I wanted Alice that badly.

_Emmett's POV_

I could feel my eyes narrowing as I watched Jasper and Alice walk up to their bedroom -upside-down, from the floor, where I landed when Edward pulled that ninja move on me, the sneaky little devil. Getting up, I looked over to Rosalie, with a grin on my face.

"You wish big boy…" With that, I watched her walk away, swinging her hips from side to side. _Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Man, Rosalie has a great ass… _I realized that Bella and Edward were in the room still, and I gave Edward a little military salute before walking into the kitchen with Esme. She was on the phone with the pizza delivery place, and she didn't seem very pleased with whoever she was talking to.

"No, I do not want to pick it up, I want it delivered. No -no liver on the pizza. Delivered! De-Liv-ered!" I laughed quietly at her, and she threw a look at me that reminded me of Edward on one of his off days. Scary stuff, no joke. I pretended to grab an imaginary sword out of an imaginary sheath on my belt, and like a knight attempting to slay a dragon, I plunged the sword into Esme. It amused me when she had to cover the phone with her hand so the guy on the other end wouldn't hear her laughing.

"Nooo… never mind. I'll just get the pizza elsewhere. No! Elsewhere as in somewhere else. No! Not delivered somewhere else… No pizza!" Esme shouted in the phone. I knew she was getting upset, so I grabbed the phone from her hand, bringing it to my face.

"We don't want it!" I boomed into the receiver before slamming it down onto the phone stand. "Taken care of Esme."

"Now I need to figure out where to get pizza from…" she sighed, covering her eyes with her hands.

"What about the Italian place -they have pizza…"

"Oh I completely forgot about that place. Before I call them though, did you need something?"

"No. I was just bored and Rosalie still won't let me near her."

"Smart girl…"

"Blah blah Esme. Go order your stupid pizza."

Around twenty minutes later, the door bell rang. Of course, right in the middle of the Liverpool/Manchester United game. With nobody else around, I assumed it was my job to answer the door. Oh the exciting life of a vampire… opening doors. As I opened the door I pulled out my wallet, ready to pay the guy, I didn't notice who it was until I looked up.

"You!"

"You?! Oh my God!"

"What are you doing here?" I asked, ready to slam the door in the guy's face. Of all the people in the world, the kid who came to deliver our pizza was none other than the crappy little waiter from earlier. The little prick who spit in my soup.

"I came to deliver a pizza… Tell me someone else is here!" He said looking around me, to see if I was alone, "The guy who answered the phone said a woman called… he said she sounded hot…"

_This kid just doesn't know when to shut up…_ "That's my mom you little perv!"

"Emmett what's going on?" Rosalie said walking out onto the porch. When she recognized the waiter, I noticed her eyes narrowing, and she looked at me with a confused expression.

"Hey babe…" The waiter/delivery boy said scoping out my Rose.

"If you don't want to have to call your boss and explain why you're arms are broken you better not look at my _wife_ again!" I said glaring.

"Emmett?" Edward asked walking out onto the porch. "Oh -it's you… Can I help you?"

The guy looked from me, to Edward, numerous times before speaking, "I'm here to deliver the pizza."

Edward sighed, then looked at me before rolling his eyes. Rosalie, who was probably going to go watch the scene from the window, went inside. Edward hand went towards his back pocket where I knew he kept his wallet.

"No Edward, I've got it…" I said grinning. The kid looked weary, but handed the pizza to Edward. I pulled a twenty from my wallet, and held it up in front of him. He reached out to take it, but I pulled back the money before he could get his grimy little hands on it. "Check the pizza Edward."

"What? No -Emmett I'm sure it's fine." Edward said, looking exasperated.

"Open. The. Pizza Box." I said not taking my eyes off the kid in front of me. I heard Edward groan, so I knew he was going to do what I said, and sure enough I heard the pizza box open.

"What the hell?!" I heard Edward growl loudly. I looked away from the guy for just a second, and saw that a phone number was scrawled across the inside lid of the pizza box. Under it, the name "Kye" was written.

"Not a smart move amigo. No bueno." I said shaking my head slowly. Suddenly, I saw the pizza box flying through the air, and it landed on the top of the kid's crappy car. Melted cheese was smeared all over the windshield. "See what happens when you make us mad…?"

Kye was just standing there, with his jaw almost hitting the floor. "You still have to pay for that!"

_Like I thought, doesn't know when to shut up. _I took the twenty dollar bill, and pulled his shirt pocket open and put it inside, then slapped him on the chest. That's when a light bulb flashed in my head, and I pulled his shirt pocket open again. With all the power I could muster, I spit the biggest spitwad right into his pocket.

"Put _that_ into your soup and suck it!" I said chuckling. With that the kid turned around and high tailed it to his car, without looking back.

I looked over and saw Edward heading back inside the house, "Emmett that was disgusting… but way to go buddy." When I got inside, I saw Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Bella all standing at the window.

"Well, I guess I'll have a salad for dinner…" Bella said peeking out the drapes as the car drove down the driveway.


	9. Cosmopolitan and Hidden Closets

_AN: I do not own any of these characters, Stephanie Meyer does. So, everyone, I'm glad you all enjoyed the last chapter, that stupid waiter really did get what he deserved, didn't he? XD Anyway, I hope you're all looking forward to the next few chapters, because someone is about to lose the bet…_

_Bella's POV_

"Don't worry Esme, I can get the salad myself," I said smiling, taking the head of lettuce out of the refrigerator. She still hadn't got over the shock of what the boy's had done to the delivery boy, but then again, she also hadn't seen what he was like at the restaurant.

"Thank you Bella dear, you are so helpful, unlike my _children…_" Her voice was full of false anger, and I knew that she would never really be mad at them for standing up for her.

"Esme, it wasn't our fault, he was ready to hit on you like you were some MILF…" Emmett said as I watched him hoist his bulky body onto the kitchen counter. Behind us, I watched Edward, and the rest of the gang sit down at the dining room table.

"What is a MILF?" Esme asked, turning away from her cutting board, where she had chunks of carrot and radish sliced into perfect pieces.

"Esme… remember when we told you not to ask Emmett questions? Now would have been a good time to follow our advice…" Edward said, with a sparkle in his eye.

"Yeah, it's probably better that she doesn't know…" Emmett said. I could tell he was trying to lure Esme into asking him again. _Poor, sweet, innocent, gullible Esme…_

"Emmett Cullen, you tell me what this MILF thing is right now, or I swear I'll drag out this lesson even longer than I have to. I know what this bet is doing, and I can make you wait!"

"Mom I'd like to fuck."

"_**Excuse me**_?!" I looked over, to find Carlisle walking into the kitchen, his mouth in a tight line. "What did you just say to her?"

"It's what MILF means!" Emmett said with his hands up in front of him.

"What is a MILF?" Carlisle asked, a confused expression all over his face.

For once, since I've known him, Emmett looked torn. I knew from personal experience he was ready and willing to explain to Carlisle exactly what a MILF was, but another part of him was holding back, in fear of getting on Carlisle's bad side.

"It means… Mom I'd like to… Well, see…" Emmett said, looking around the room, trying to find someone who would help him out of the situation.

"It means Esme is one of the most beautiful mothers in the world," I said, blushing already. Hey. Emmett's helped me out tons of times, with James and Victoria, the least I could do was help him out just once against Carlisle, who I knew wouldn't hurt a fly. _A mountain lion maybe, but not a fly. _I watched as Carlisle stared at Emmett for a moment, and I hoped I had got him off the hook.

"She is, isn't she?" Carlisle said at last, before hoisting Esme up in his arms, and walked her out of the room.

"See… even Carlisle thinks Esme is a MILF…" Emmett said with a silly grin on his face. Then Emmett hopped off of the counter and walked over towards me. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm glad Edward didn't kill you. Sure, it's fun having you around to pick on and all, but it's also good to know you can keep me out of trouble."

"Bella is not your baby sitter Emmett," Edward said, walking towards us. When he put his arm around me I nearly fainted. Ever since Esme's little discussion earlier about the male anatomy, it had me wondering what exactly Edward was hiding under his..

"But she could be… you know, I've heard a boy's first crush is usually his baby sitter…"

I could feel my cheeks burning as Emmett spoke. The smirk on his face told me he was only kidding around, but even still, his comments always made me blush uncontrollably.

"Emmett, sweetie, you know I'm the only baby sitter you'll ever need…" I heard Rosalie purr from across the room. I looked over at her, and back to him. Hell, I might not be Jasper, but I could feel the tension in the room.

"Well, then, let's go upstairs and you can tell me how much of a naughty boy I've been…" Emmett murmured, craning his neck around to see her expression.

"Yeah, go show him Rosie," Alice said beaming from the other end of the table, "Then you can hand over the keys…"

"Go to hell Alice." Emmett said crossing his arms over his chest. From what I could tell, if it hadn't been for Alice, Rosalie just might have just done what Emmett wanted. Instead, they all sat with me while I ate, and all I could figure was that they were all too afraid to be alone with each other in fear of losing the bet. Edward remained unusually still, and Jasper, the poor guy kept his eyes closed and head on the table.

"What's wrong?" I asked, confused as usual.

Edward looked over to me, his face was strained, "Usually Jasper and I try to leave the house when… Carlisle and Esme… have their alone time."

It took me a few seconds to realize what he was talking about, but when I finally did, I felt as if I was blushing all over, "Oh!"

"You know it's not fair that you guys get to go at it when we can't!" Emmett bellowed, staring at the ceiling with narrowed eyes.

"Well, then let's go outside," I said, hoping to at least get Jasper away from it all. I hurried over to the sink, and started to wash out the dish I was using, when Esme emerged from the bottom of the stairwell. She was trying not to smile, but we all knew what they had been doing upstairs, and I for one was embarrassed beyond belief. For some reason, I had never thought of Esme and Carlisle like…that, and I never wanted to, ever again.

"I think we should have separate discussions tonight." Esme said to us all.

"I'll go ask Charlie… but he's going to say yes, just so you know," Alice said, heading for the door.

"Thank you, Alice dear," Esme said, "The boy's will be talking to Carlisle, and you girl's will be talking with me tonight, then tomorrow we'll get together and talk about… the… intimate details."

_Esme's POV _

I finally had the girl's back in Alice and Jasper's room after she returned from Bella's house. She had told Charlie that they needed more time to talk about the wedding, and she told him the boy's had went camping. I guess it was a good thing that human father's wanted to believe that their daughter's weren't staying with their boyfriends so much, that they would believe any line of bull that was given to them. I mean, how many times can people go camping before getting tired of it?

"Alright ladies," I started. They all walked over to me, Rosalie taking the spot next to me on the couch, and Alice and Bella sitting on the floor. "Carlisle and I decided that it would be best to talk to each of you about sex before we brought you together to talk about it."

"I already know everything about it," Rosalie said, staring at her fingernails as if she were bored.

"And what I didn't know about sex, I heard from the room beside me…" Alice said, glaring at Rosalie.

"Okay, no fighting girls," I said, knowing what this had the potential of turning into. "What I mean to say is that if you have any questions, or want to know something, this is the time to talk about it."

I watched as both Alice and Rosalie turned to look at Bella expectantly. Naturally, Bella was red in the face. "Bella, I know you had a few questions, mind sharing?"

Her eyes bulged, and she brought her legs up to her chest so that her chin was resting on them. _Good, she's getting into her comfortable position… she's going to say something._

"Is it possible, I mean, I want to, but I know Edward would hate it if something bad happened…" Bella started.

I had to feel for the poor girl, it wasn't easy admitting to the mother figure her boyfriend that she wanted to have sex with him. "The problem is Bella, I don't know… I've never heard of a situation like the one you have with Edward."

"Bella, you know…" Alice began, then stopped abruptly, before jumping up and headed to a clothes pile. She began throwing shirts and pants everywhere, like she was searching for some buried treasure. I loved my little Alice, but she really did need to stop with all of the shopping all of the time. Finally, she held something in the air, like it were a trophy.

"Cosmopolitan, the women's bible!" She squealed happily. Rosalie began clapping her hands excitedly. Apparently my girls knew something about this magazine that I didn't.

"Alice, unless that has an article in there about how to get your vampire boyfriend to have safe sex with you, I don't want to have anything to do with that! I've flipped through a few pages of that magazine, it's like porno!" Bella shouted, trying to scoot herself away from where we were sitting.

"Oh stop acting like an angel Bella, I saw the way you were looking at Edward earlier, you wanted to jump his bones!" Rosalie said grinning. I for one, wasn't sure how to take this situation.

"Look, on page forty seven they have this section on what to do when you can't have sex -It's perfect for you!" Alice said beaming.

"Oh, yes, please Alice, make me sound like some weirdo that is incapable of doing it." I wasn't sure if Bella was being serious, because her face looked a bit eager to see what exactly was written on the page.

"Oh come on Bella, you know I didn't mean it like that, I'm just… trying to be helpful." Alice said, sitting back down on the floor and pulling on Bella's leg, bringing her back to our little discussion. "Do you mind Esme?"

_Do I mind? Do I mind that my two daughters are trying to teach young Bella how to… have pleasurable fun with my son? One daughter who is a sex fiend and the other who isn't too far behind the other? What sort of person am I becoming? If only her father knew what was going on in this house tonight! _Rubbing my face into my palm, "No, go on… be my guest, corrupt Bella's sweet little mind."

"Esme, Bella's sweet little mind once tried pulling her sweet little shirt off while she was in bed with your sweet little son," Alice said, a crooked smile set on her face. She had a point. Edward didn't keep anything from us. We knew that Bella and him had almost… and that he had told her that he said they could, and that she had told him no… but how long would Bella last?

"Fine… go on with it, I guess it's better than listening to you three complain about it."

"Alright Bella, Cosmo says that if you don't want to have sex with your man there are plenty of other ways you can both please each other… If you use your imagination…" _I wonder how it's going with the boys…_

_Carlisle's POV_

Edward was standing at the window, with who knows what running through his mind, Jasper was looking through a set of books on the shelf, and Emmett was sitting in a chair directly across from me staring at me as I tried to ignore their presence. It hadn't been _my_ idea to have these separate talks, and I didn't plan on doing it either. I knew my boys knew enough about… sex to last them a lifetime.

"We're supposed to be having a talk," Emmett said abruptly. I looked up at him over the top of my laptop. His arms were crossed and he looked like he was trying to pout.

"Emmett, I am not an idiot, I know that you of all people don't need this discussion." I was trying to stay calm, but the look on his face made me want to laugh.

"And I know that you, of all people hate to disobey Esme, you wouldn't want me telling her that you wouldn't have the talk with us, would you? Because I have no problem walking over to that door, and telling on you." For a second, I wondered if he was joking, then I realized that Emmett was serious. He would go tell Esme.

"Fine, Emmett, alright. If you can get your two brothers to sit down next to you and do it, we'll talk." At least that made it fair, I knew Edward would never agree to it.

"Alright Carlisle, it's a deal," Emmett said, with a little too much confidence. "Jasper, if you do this for me… I'll try to hold Rosalie off of having another wedding for at least ten years."

"Good enough for me…" _Darn, that is a good one._

"And Edward…" Emmett started.

"Listen Emmett, you don't have to bribe me, right now our women are in Jasper's room reading through a magazine trying to teach Bella how to please me…" Edward sighed, "If you can go one full day of not making fun of Bella, I'll do it."

"It's a deal. Now have a seat boys,_ Daddy_ is going to teach us about copulation!"

_Oh dear, what am I getting myself into? _I sat up straight, and positioned my laptop so that I could see all of the boys as they sat down in front of me. To be honest, they all looked pretty excited about this, which made me feel even more uncomfortable. "Alright… what do you want to know?"

"Promise to answer anything?" Emmett asked. He sounded sincere, but sincerity wasn't a word often found in Emmett's dictionary.

"Sure, Emmett, why not?" _I know Emmett is bad… but he wouldn't be that bad right?_

"What's your favorite position?"

Then I realized vampires can not die from embarrassment, "Excuse me?!"

"You heard me, which one do you like best…" Emmett said, his grin turning into a full blown smile.

"You promised you would tell him…" Jasper said. In all my years, I would have figured that Jasper would be the one to scold Emmett for a question like that, apparently the two were spending too much time together.

"I will not answer _that question!_" I said, standing up from my chair.

"You have to or I'll tell Esme that you wouldn't talk to us!" Emmett threatened.

"I'll tell her what you asked!" I said in response.

"I didn't hear him ask anything…" Edward said slyly.

"All I heard was Emmett asking you to talk to us." Jasper piped in from his chair. I couldn't believe it, the sons I trusted the most were rebelling against me. I should have known…. Edward and his sick sense of comedy, Jasper and his being from the south, and Emmett and his… Emmett-ness.

"Esmmmeeeee…" Emmett whispered so quietly, that even I almost missed it. I took that as my warning.

"Alright, alright I like Esme on top…" I groaned.

"And you call me whipped!" Jasper snorted.

"Enough of this. No more questions." I said, burying my face in my hands. How was I going to explain this one to her?

"Yeah, right, like this is all we're going to blackmail out of you…" Emmett said, tapping his fingers together like some mad scientist.

"Have you ever used toys?" Emmett asked, on the edge of his chair.

"What? Toys? No!" I said, trying to keep my voice hushed.

"He's lying!" Edward said, grinning away. _Damn that mind reading son of mine!_

"Spill it!" Jasper said, wondering why I was feeling s embarrassed.

"Oh dear god Carlisle… you keep them in here?!" Edward yelled looking over at the closet I had in my office. Given his cue, Emmett jumped from his chair and ran for the closet. I tried to stop him, but my two turn-coat sons grabbed me by the elbows and held me back while Emmett opened the door.

"Wow Carlisle… and you thought Rosalie and I were bad…" Emmett said, holding up one of Esme's school teacher out fits. "You think she'll wear this one tomorrow when she teaches our lesson?"


	10. Winners and Felons

_AN: I do not own these characters… that right belongs to the one and only Stephenie Meyer. Well, enough of the legal mumbo jumbo, I bet you're all about ready to bite me a million times right? Sorry it's taken forever -work has been hectic, and preparing for summer classes has been the same. Enjoy the end of the story though!_

_Emmett's POV_

"Oh dear god Carlisle… you keep them in here?!" I glanced away from Carlisle for a half of a second to look at Edward. His eyes were locked on Carlisle's closet. The one in his office that he always kept locked up like a cupcake at a fat kid summer camp. That was all the prompt I needed before I was out of my chair. I saw Carlisle attempt to stop me, but Jasper and Edward were holding him back by his elbows. I had to admit, at times those two were kind of cool.

Finally… I got the lock jimmied. I had to remind myself to thank Rosalie for teaching me that when the bet was over.

When the door came open… I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like I had landed myself a front row ticket to the dirtiest toy store in America. Furry handcuffs in every color of the rainbow, whips, leather, and things that made even I, Emmett the sexual deviant glad that vampires couldn't blush. Then a certain outfit caught my eye…

"Wow Carlisle… and you thought Rosalie and I were bad…" I said, holding up a school teacher out fit that could barely had enough cloth to be considered clothing. "You think she'll wear this one tomorrow when she teaches our lesson?"

"Get out!" Carlisle said. His face reminded me of mine the first time my human parents had walked in on me discovering my manhood.

"Aww come on Carlisle, he's joking!" Edward said trying to hide his laughter.

"No, get out!" Carlisle had his arms free from the other two, and was walking towards the window.

"Why is there a Halloween costume in here?" I asked, turning my attention back to the closet. I pulled out another hanger -and my eyes bulged even more. A cape. A medallion. And white, plastic, fangs. "Oh my god! Are you serious?! Carlisle!"

When I faced him, to pelt him with another sample of my witty remarks, I saw he had the window open and he was pointing out it -his face serious. _Someone is outside the house._ I walked towards the window, throwing Edward and Jasper odd looks when I noticed them walking away. At first, I didn't see anything, so I leaned further out the window. "Carlisle… I don't see anything…."

That's when he pushed me.

Good news, I managed to land on one of the bushes in Esme's garden. Bad news, it was her rose bush. I stared up at the house and watched Carlisle close the window.

"I guess he's finally kicked me out," I said to the rosebush beside me.

"Wrong -he's kicked us all out." I saw a Edward and Jasper standing beside the rosebush I was laying on. Edward reached his arm out, and helped me pull myself up. Esme's rosebushes were toast.

"She is not going to be happy about that is she?" I asked, rubbing the back of my neck, trying to think of a way to prop them up a bit.

"Emmett, even if you bit them, they wouldn't make it…" Edward said lifting one of the broken branches and watching it fall limply back into the dirt.

"Maybe we should plant new ones…" I said, looking down at the pitiful plant in front of me.

"If you don't want to find out how vampires die… I'd say that's a pretty good idea." Jasper said, looking up at the girls' window. The light was still on. Seriously… how long could girls talk about sex? It wasn't as if they were like… us or something. Nah, they had probably moved on to painting their toenails.

"Not exactly Emmett… right now, Rosalie is showing Bella what to do with a banana…" Edward said grimacing.

"A banana?" I asked. Why the hell are they making dessert when I'm out here trying to perk up a rose bush?

"No… Emmett… not dessert. She's using the banana as a prop…"

Then a flashback just about threw me on my butt again. I knew what Rosalie was doing with that banana, and for a second, I felt like scaling the house to get to her.

"Back off Romeo… because Juliet will kill you if you lose her car. That, and I'm not sure how much of this Jasper can take before he's climbing through that window." After hearing that, I looked over and saw Jasper with his hands over his eyes, shaking like he was ready to have a seizure.

"Let's just go get the damn bushes." Jasper said roughly. With a grin, I put my arm around his shoulder, and headed off towards the Jeep.

Fifteen minutes later, we were standing outside Newton's shop staring at the Garden Center. Who knew that there were like, fifty kinds of rosebushes?

"Were they red or yellow?" I asked, holding up two different pots.

"Or white?" Jasper said with a third.

"They have pink ones over here…" Edward said, pointing at a different section.

"What the hell… why do girls need different colored flowers? Aren't the fact that they're roses mean enough to them?" I asked glaring at the plant.

"I guess not… Hey, how are we going to pay for these?"

"Hey! What are you doing over there? This is private property!"

I turned and saw a security guard headed our way, with his flashlight and nightstick out.

"Grab whatever you can and throw them in the back! Esme will kill us all if she has to bail us out of jail again!" I yelled to the guys, putting both of the pots I had in the Jeep. Edward and Jasper didn't take a lot of time to follow my lead, and were in the car just in time for me to pull out of there.

"We should have paid for them," Jasper mumbled from the back seat.

"Well, if you want me to turn around, I'm sure we can leave a few dollars by the door." My sarcasm was not hidden.

"Right, I'm sure I'd love to explain to Bella's father why I'm in jail. 'I'm sorry sir, I swear we were going to leave the money on the front door.' Right, Jasper." Edward said, holding the pot of pink roses in his lap.

"I was just saying…" Jasper sighed, staring down at his own little set of yellow roses.

Finally, at dawn, they were planted. I had taken the bush I massacred into the forest behind our house and buried it. I figured it would rather be among its own kind, than in a yard waste bin. When I came back up to the house, Jasper and Edward were sneaking in the front door, motioning me to hurry up. Esme would be starting her "class" soon.

_Bella's POV_

When I first woke up, I thought I was lost, but then I quickly remembered where I was. Edward's house. Edward's house, with his family, and in about an hour, we would have our last sex education lesson from Esme. Thank goodness. I seriously didn't know if I could live another night like last night. With Alice trying to teach me how to use a vibrator and Rosalie showing me what she could do with a banana. I had to admit, these vampires had a lot of time on their hands.

After I had showered, and changed into yet another set of clothes handed to me by Alice, I went downstairs to have breakfast. Emmett's clothes were covered in dirt, and he reminded me of one of the male models I had seen in an outdoor magazine at the Newton's store. Except… Emmett looked way better.

"I'm going to hurry up and change before Esme get's down here!" He said, sprinting past me like an Olympic runner.

By the whistling that came down the staircase next, I figured he must have just barely made it. Sure enough, it was Esme. She was as cheerful as ever. I assumed it was because she was ready to be finished with these talks as we were. Edward ushered me to the table we had occupied the yesterday before I could even tell him I was hungry.

"You can eat later…" he whispered into my ear. Shivers went down my spine, as his hand gripped my own. I decided then that I would eat whenever he wanted me to, as long as he kept this up.

"I'm ready!" Alice chimed, skipping into the living room. Jasper walked dully behind her, looking over at me, as if he knew what was running through my mind. I couldn't imagine my face being any redder. Rosalie had taken her spot gracefully, looking around for Emmett, who came bounding down the stairs.

"Aw, you aren't going to wear your teaching outfit?"

"Excuse me? My what?"

"You don't have to play innocent with us anymore Esme! We saw the closet!" Emmett said, smiling as he sat down.

"The what? You must be mistaken."

Even I could tell that the look on her face meant that Emmett wasn't mistaken. Although I was confused, I could definitely tell the boys had been up to something last night, and it wasn't something that Esme had expected.

"Oh yeah… I've got to hand it to you Esme, not even Rosalie and I dress up as vampires!" Emmett's grin gave everything away. I knew they weren't talking about Halloween.

"Well, this explains why Carlisle went to work at four this morning." She said, beginning to set up the slides once again. We were all quiet after that.

"Well, boys, I hope you learned a lot last night, because I know the girls did…"

"Well, one girl did." Rosalie said grinning at me. My face flushed, and all I could think about was what Rosalie had taught me to do with a banana the night before. At one point she even wrestled me down and tried to make me prove to her that I had paid attention –nearly choking me in the process. I still had an unsettling feeling that she would rather see me die than become a vampire…

I looked over at Edward… he was watching me intently. It was times like these that I was glad he couldn't read my mind, because my thoughts were not on Esme's lesson. I attempted to use the tactic I had used when I first met him, and pulled my hair down over my shoulder to cover my face. I knew it was red, because the more I thought about how embarrassed I was, the more I thought of why I was embarrassed.

Because, when I actually took Rosalie's graphic little representation into consideration, the more I thought that a banana was all wrong. A Popsicle would be much more… appropriate, what with Edward being cold and hard and all…

Cold. And hard. Holy crow. I was turning into Emmett.

"Edward… Get… Bella… Under… Control… now!"

I looked over and saw Jasper gripping his desk with all of his might. Crap. I forgot that even though Edward couldn't hear what I was thinking, Jasper could feel it, and I wasn't feeling very innocent at the moment.

"Bella?" Edward asked, looking over at me. Through my hair, I could see everyone staring at me, and Rosalie, above all people, was smirking.

"I'm fine." I was afraid that if I said anything else, I would stutter and make a fool of myself. Not that I already hadn't.

"Edward this isn't fair!" Alice said, rubbing Jasper's back cautiously. She was trying to stay far enough away from him so that if he tried anything, she could jump across the desk.

"Bella…."

"I'm fine Edward!" I said, a little louder than I had meant to.

"Continuing on with our discussion…" Esme started again, "When men feel like they need release themselves…"

I couldn't pay attention after that. So instead, I looked around the room. Alice was still rubbing Jasper's back soothingly, and he looked… sort of calmed down. Then I saw Rosalie and Emmett… he was rubbing her thigh, and her hand was tightly gripped over his. I looked away as quickly as possible, but at that moment, Esme had chosen to turn the lights in the living room off. A sudden surge of electricity traveled through my body, and I was gripping the desk more than Jasper.

I heard Edward chuckle. He was getting a kick out of this. He was laughing when all I wanted to do was throw myself at him, rip my shirt off, and wrap my legs around that muscular little waste of-

Then, all of a sudden, Edward had me over his shoulder, and we were headed for the stairs. For a moment, I thought my daydream was coming true. That is, until I saw Emmett, Rosalie, and Esme all headed the same direction as us. I managed to catch a glimpse of desks colliding, and Alice's brand name shirt, being thrown across the room.

When we were all safely in Carlisle office, with the door locked I might add, we all sat down and stared at each other.

"Well, I guess we win…" Rosalie said cheerfully, looking over at Emmett.

"I didn't think that my slide show would effect him that badly…" Esme said, pacing the room.

"I think it was me rubbing Rosie's leg, actually Esme…" Emmett said, looking a bit baffled.

"Actually…" I started, then shut my mouth, but it was too late.

"Actually…?" Emmett asked, grinning.

"I think it might have been me…" I whispered, figuring the lower my voice was, the less embarrassment I would face.

"You? Yeah right." Emmett scoffed. I saw Rosalie rolling her eyes behind him, and suddenly I went on defense.

"Yeah me!" I said, grabbing Edward's thigh. "Jasper just did what I imagined doing to Edward!"

Holy crow.

"Bella, remember how Emmett tries to get something out of someone by using…"

"Reverse psychology. Man, Bella, I didn't think you would fall for it, then BAM! You are grabbing Edward and yelling about your fantasies. You caught yourself a wild one there Eddikins." Emmett said, shaking his head with laughter.

Then, we heard the doorbell.

"Oh my! I hope that's not the milkman, he knows he can come in after one ring!" Esme screamed.

"Come in…." Alice's voice laughed. We all hurled ourselves down the stairs, just in time to see Jasper adjusting his shirt, a bashful look covering his usually somber face.

"Here Rosalie…" Alice said, dangling her keys in front of Rosalie's nose.

"You don't seem very upset…" Rosalie said, her eyes narrowing towards Alice.

"Of course not, after you showed Bella what she could do with a banana, I saw this happening. I knew it was only a matter of time before I lost, and besides… Jasper's birthday is tomorrow." Alice said opening the door.

Sitting out front, in the driveway, was a brand new 2008 Dodge Charger. Bright green. "Happy birthday Jasper!"

She handed a stunned Jasper the keys, as we all went outside to admire his car. It was very, very nice.

"…and here I thought I was getting her all excited, she probably knew this was going to be delivered right as we were finishing up." Jasper mumbled as he ran his hand down the side of the car.

"Aw, Jazz, don't worry, the car was only half of my excitement."

"You two better knock it off, or Bella and Edward will be on the floor next. The little pervert," Emmett said, grinning at me.

Then, another car came pulling up. It looked like the same car my father drove, oh dear… what was Charlie doing up here? When it finally came to a stop, I was overly pleased to see that it wasn't Charlie. It was Bill, one of the sergeants.

"That's them officer! Those are the three trespassers I saw last night!" Another man fumbled out of the vehicle, pointing his fingers at Edward, Emmett, and Jasper.

"You're sure?" Bill asked the guy, looking at the three boys oddly.

"Yes! There's the Jeep I told you about right there." Once again the man's finger was pointing around. I saw Emmett lean over to Edward.

"I didn't think the pudgy bastard was running fast enough to see anything!"

"Boy's where were you last night?" Bill asked Jasper, flipping open his notepad.

"Having a sexual education lesson with my father," Emmett said, looking around the yard.

"You were… what?"

"My father was teaching us about sex."

"Aren't you a little old for that?"

"That's what we told him."

It was like watching a ping pong match.

"Aren't you the kid we had to tell to leave the parking lot of the Italian restaurant a few months back? You and… this little blonde lady right here?"

"Yes."

"Is that why your father thinks he needs to have this talk? I let you off with a warning, he didn't need to know about it."

"No, he gave us all the talk because of this big guy right here," Emmett said pointing to Edward. "Our mom found a basket full of goodies that may or may not be used during sexual activities."

This time the cop turned to Edward, "Is that true?" He didn't even sound like this was police work anymore; now he sounded like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Then he looked down at me. _Please don't recognize me! Please, please, please!_

"Well, kind of," Edward said nonchalantly, "If the oaf wouldn't have planted that stuff in my room, this whole mess would have never happened."

"Bella, does your father know about this?" Bill asked me.

"Not exactly…" I answered back.

"You should probably let him know… so he can… talk to you about… it." Bill said, turning red.

"What about the Newton's flowers?!" The fat security guard asked.

"The what?" Esme asked, her eyebrow making a perfect arch.

"These boys were over at the Newton's last night stealing rose bushes!" The security guard yelled.

"Rose bushes?" Esme asked, glaring at the boys.

"I told them to turn around so we could pay for them!" Jasper said quickly.

"You nark!" Emmett yelled.

"You're the one who smashed her rose bush!" Jasper said pointing at Emmett.

"My rosebush?!" Esme shrieked.

"Damn it Jasper, shut up! You and Edward helped me steal the new ones. It was like two in the morning. You knew we weren't going to pay for them, everything in Forks closes down at eight. What did you think we were going to do Jasper? Drive to a twenty-four hour lawn and garden center? I don't think so…"

"I'm sorry ma'am, but depending on what this security guard says, I might have to take them down to the station," Bill said, looking as if he really didn't want to try to put Emmett in a pair of cuffs.

"Oh, you're taking these little thieves to the station alright." The guard said grinning.

"Come on man… we'll pay for them," Emmett said.

"You should have thought of that last night bucko."

"Bucko? Dude, Edward, tell me he didn't call me bucko." Emmett said grinning at Edward.

"Officer, handcuff these boys before you have to charge them with assault and battery," Esme said, shaking her head.

"Yes, ma'am," Bill said, taking out three pairs of cuffs. We watched Emmett, Jasper, and Edward get put into handcuffs and led into the back seat of the cruiser.

"Wait for me Rosalie! Wait for me on the outside!" Emmett yelled through the cracked window as the cop rolled down their driveway.

"What a drama queen…" Rosalie said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, Bella, looks like we're going to have to explain to Charlie what you have been doing here all weekend, because that cop is going to tell him everything he heard just now…" Alice sighed, watching the car pull out of sight.

"At least Edward can explain why he's in jail…" Esme said, glaring at her garden.

"Oh man… can you say shot gun wedding?" I groaned, looking at the other three girls.

"Well, if you two get one, I want one," Rosalie said, crossing her arms.

"Oooh! Well, I'm already planning mine, and Bella, you said I could plan yours, why don't I just plan Rosalie's too and we can have a triple wedding?" Alice practically screamed.

"Why not…" Rosalie said shrugging.

"I'm in." I said. If you can't beat them- join them, and I knew that if Alice and Rosalie had it their way, we would be having the weddings soon, and I would really be joining them soon after that.

"Well, while you girls plan your little shindigs, I better go call Carlisle and let him know he needs to pick up the boys on his way home," Esme said, heading towards the house.

Alice put her hand on my shoulder, "You know Bella, now we're all marrying felons…"

_AN2: I hope you all enjoyed reading that as much as I did writing it! Of course, I will be writing a sequel, including what happens when Carlisle goes to pick up the boys, and the wedding plans. Look out for it!_


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